Turning the Page: Letting Go and Finding Joy After Love Lost

It’s so common to hear that you need to work on overcoming past relationships in order to open yourself up to healthy love in the future. But what does that actually look like? How can you know that you’ve moved on and are ready to date again despite the baggage from your past?

In this article, we’ll talk about steps that you can follow to not only start your healing journey but also to know that you’re moving in the right direction.

The next phase of your life is waiting, so let’s get started!

Allow time for the grief process

If you’ve recently ended a relationship or never gave yourself the time to grieve one in the past, now is the time to process the feelings so that you can move on from them. The grief stage is different for everyone, but some steps during this phase can include:

• Allowing yourself to experience feelings as they come up. You might not be comfortable with the strong emotions that are normal with heartbreak, but it’s important not to avoid them. Remember that feelings are temporary as long as you give yourself the space to feel them, whether that means crying, being angry, feeling fearful, or confused.
• Separating yourself from your emotions. Remembering that you are a person who feels emotions instead of being defined by your emotions can be powerful during a grieving phase. In other words, changing your thoughts to “I am feeling sadness” rather than “I’m sad” or “I’m a sad person” can be enough to remind yourself that your emotions are not permanent or defining.
• Shaking off stagnant feelings and interrupting rumination patterns. While it’s important to give yourself the space to experience emotions, it’s also important not to sit in them longer than necessary. After all, thinking about how terrible you feel and over-analyzing your break-up isn’t healthy and can prevent you from moving on. To be sure, it might take some time to learn where this line between healthy expression and unnecessary suffering is for you, so be gentle with yourself during this time.
• Increasing your rest time. Going through a grief period is harder on your body than you might expect. Make sure that you’re drinking water and giving yourself time to rest. You can also rely on hobbies, TV shows, or movies to give your mind a break.
• Journaling about what you’re going through. This is a common piece of advice for anyone processing a past or recent relationship, and it can be a key tool in moving through grief. Something to keep in mind is that “journaling” can be any kind of self-expression that appeals to you, from writing to poetry to painting to interpretive dance. The important thing is that you’re able to externalize your inner thoughts.

Perform a past relationship review

In the immediate wake of a break-up, it can be difficult to think about the relationship objectively. But with time, you’ll find that you’ll get to a place to be able to process what happened and learn from the good and the bad of the relationship. You can ask yourself questions such as:

• What aspects of the relationship did you enjoy and would want to find in a different partner?
• What were the dynamics in the relationship that you don’t want to carry into a new relationship?
• Did you lose yourself in the relationship, or were you able to maintain a sense of independence?
• What were some challenges in communication that you experienced in the relationship, and how much do you contribute to yourself versus your partner?
• Were there red flags that you ignored in the relationship?
• What did you learn about yourself during the course of your time together?

The idea here is not to dwell on the past, be self-critical, or think in circles about what went wrong and what either of you could have done differently. Instead, you might think about this process the way that an athlete might rewatch game footage. What were the highlights? Where were the mistakes? And most importantly, how can you use this information to break certain patterns moving forward?

Give yourself the gift of closure

One hard truth that can help you move past your previous relationships is that you might never get closure from the other person. Even if you do, that closure might not live up to your expectations. And waiting around for the other person to fill this inner need actually keeps you in a position of dependency on them that can prevent you from moving forward on your own.

Instead, think about ways that you can give yourself the closure you need to put this relationship behind you. You can do this in a number of ways, including:

• Writing (and not sending) a break-up letter to your ex or a past version of yourself.
• Cutting off communication with your ex.
• Removing items that remind you of your ex.
• Reclaiming spaces or activities that remind you of your ex.

Set new dating goals for future relationships

Another way to give yourself a sense of closure for past relationships is to set new dating goals. This can allow you to visualize what it might be like to get to know someone new and maybe even feel hopeful and excited about dating again!

Some ideas for dating goals might be:

• Dating people who are very different from the types of people you’ve dated in the past.
• Finding someone who allows you to feel entirely comfortable with being yourself.
• Finding someone who challenges you to try new or adventurous things.
• Exploring different styles of physical intimacy.
• Dating people who are looking for marriage or to build a family (or alternatively, dating people who are more interested in short-term or casual relationships!).
• Being able to maintain your friendships and work goals while dating.

Often, we jump into dating without thinking about what we really want out of a relationship, but getting in touch with our dating goals can ensure that we’re able to be clear with new partners and avoid miscommunications or disappointments. That being said, it’s not a good idea to be overly picky or rigid with your dating goals. They should give you a general sense of what you want and like without putting you in a box.

Be intentional about who you talk to about your past relationship

Your support system can be such a powerful way of overcoming past relationships. But if your support system is misguided, their advice can do more harm than good. In general, be wary of anyone who:

• Tries to get you to drink away your feelings.
• Blames you for the breakup.
• Makes generalizations like “love isn’t worth it” or “all men/women are…”
• Invalidates your feelings by saying things like “at least they didn’t cheat on you” or “you weren’t together for that long”.
• Tells you to move on before you’re ready.

We’re not saying that you need to cut off certain people in your life or start fighting with people who don’t support you in the way that you need. Instead, use this time to consider and seek support from people who can help you while you go through this difficult process. Some green flags of a healthy support person include:

• Listening without giving advice (unless you specifically ask for advice).
• Asking follow-up questions.
• Checking in on your physical health.
• Making gentle suggestions, such as recommending a support group or therapist.
• Being with you while you feel strong emotions.

Once you’ve identified the people who will help you through your healing process, it will be easier to put up boundaries with anyone outside of this inner circle. When they ask you about the breakup, you can simply say something like, “Thanks for asking. I don’t want to dwell on the details, but I’m getting through it.”

Change your inner monologue

While on the subject of filtering out unwanted feedback while overcoming past relationships, it’s helpful to take a look at how you talk to yourself, too! Changing your inner monologue can be an impactful way to help yourself move through the grieving and rebuilding process so that you can enter new relationships with more confidence and independence.

Not sure how to change your inner monologue? Try this:

• Notice the times in your day when you have a negative or critical thought. This might look something like, “No wonder, I’m single. I’m too shy.”
• Stop that thought in its tracks. It can help to think to yourself, “there’s a negative thought,” or even visualize a stop sign.
• Introduce an alternative thought to take its place. You might think about what a loved one might say if they heard this thought. They might counter your statement by saying something like, “You’re not too shy, you just take your time to get to know new people. The right partner will be patient and love getting to know you little by little.”
• Rinse and repeat. You can’t snap your fingers and instantly change your inner monologue. So, be patient with yourself as you build a practice of noticing your thoughts and making small changes. Eventually, it will become second nature to be kind to yourself by default.

Focus on creating a fulfilling life without a partner

An important part of overcoming past relationships is learning how to build a new lifestyle that you enjoy. And when you’re in the grieving phase, this can feel impossible! But, eventually, you will be able to start finding comfort and joy in your life without your ex. This is especially true if you commit to:

• Trying new things. Maybe there are things that you always wanted to do but never had time when you were in a relationship. This is the perfect opportunity to take dance lessons, reconnect with friends, or try a new hobby.
• Training yourself to practice gratitude. This is one of those self-improvement hacks that feels fake, but it’s actually backed by science! Studies have shown that practicing gratitude can raise life satisfaction.
• Thinking about how to be the best partner to yourself. This looks like taking care of your own physical health, taking care of yourself when you’re down, and talking kindly to yourself.

When you are able to take care of your own basic needs and create a life that you enjoy without a partner, you’ll be in a better position to start dating again.

Don’t expect that your past won’t come up again

As you start dating, you may find that new relationships or connections bring up old feelings and patterns. This is normal and not a sign that you haven’t progressed in your healing journey. Instead of panicking, take a moment to ask yourself:

• How can I approach this situation differently after what I learned in my last relationship?
• Can I give this new person the benefit of the doubt that they are different from my ex?
• How can I address red flags that I’m noticing in this relationship that I might have ignored previously?

Remember that the goal with new relationships is not to pretend like you never had previous relationships or that you’re not affected by previous relationships. Instead, the goal is to practice self-awareness so that your past experiences help you connect with the right people and prevent you from making the same mistakes.

Talk it through with a pro

The last piece of advice that can help in your journey of overcoming past relationships is to seek out the support of a mental health professional. Whether you find someone who runs a support group for relationship trauma or you work one-on-one with a therapist, working through a break-up with a licensed professional can give you the insight and support you need to move on.

You deserve a fresh start! And you’re well on your way to creating one!

The fact that you’re looking for ways to move on after a break-up is a good sign that your healing process has already started. So, give yourself an acknowledgment for the effort that it takes to start building a new future. With the steps that we’ve shared here and your own strength and self-care, you can start overcoming past relationships and building healthier connections!