Cracking the Code: Understanding the Hidden Messages of Body Language in Dating

Reading body language in relationships is a valuable skill that can help you connect with a partner on a deeper level. Being able to pick up on nonverbal cues also allows you to avoid misunderstandings or confusion while tapping into unsaid messages and desires.

Of course, the tricky thing is: body language isn’t fully intuitive! It’s not until you learn how to interpret certain signals that you can become an expert on what your partner’s body language is trying to tell you.

In this article, we’ll talk about how you can learn body language for the benefit of your relationships!

First, a caveat

Body language is a fascinating subject with ongoing research that is constantly discovering new things about how we communicate as humans. But, as we go through some of the most interesting findings in this article, there are a few things we should mention at the top:

• Body language is highly cultural. If you’ve traveled abroad or watched movies from other countries, you might have noticed that different cultures have their own forms of nonverbal communication. In many European countries, for instance, a kiss on the cheek is a common greeting. In other parts of the world, greetings, even between close friends, would never include physical touch. Likewise, there are many more subtle variations around the world, and even people from different regions of the same country may have their own take on body language. So, keep in mind that we’ll cover broad commonalities in body language, but it’s important to consider cultural and regional differences.
• Body language can be dependent on past experiences. As we’ll cover more in depth in this article, much of our body language has to do with the dichotomy of intimacy versus defensiveness. And for this reason, an individual’s use of body language can vary depending on whether they’ve had traumatic past experiences. For instance, one study measuring responses to visual stimuli found that the pupils of individuals with PTSD reacted differently than those without past traumatic events. Researchers theorize that this has to do with the effects of trauma on the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for muscle relaxation throughout the body.
• Not all people follow the rules of body language. Just like there are variations in spoken speech patterns, not all people will follow the rules of body language in exactly the same way. We are all individuals with our own past experiences, tolerance for social interaction, and personal quirks. So, while learning body language generally is helpful, we’ll also talk in this article about how to tune into your partner’s unique nonverbal cues.

Body Language Basics

When it comes to learning more about body language, it’s a good idea to start with three basic components: body posture, physical proximity, and touch.

Open versus closed body postures

As humans, we sometimes forget that many of our postures hark back to our more basic natural instincts of protection against danger. But in fact, one of our most obvious forms of body language speaks to this fact.

A person who is feeling safe and confident, for example, will use body language that reflects their calm state of mind. They will likely allow their shoulders to fall, broaden their chest, and let their arms rest at their sides or in their lap.

Someone who is feeling uncomfortable and threatened, on the other hand, will use body language that closes them off and makes them smaller. This can look like scrunched up or tense shoulders, and crossed arms or legs. This defensive mechanism is observed in both humans and many animals, and likely has the effect of protecting the body’s most vulnerable regions, such as the neck and the belly. It’s also a clear indication of a person not wanting to engage.

Physical proximity

Along with open versus closed body posture, physical closeness is linked to our feelings of safety and self-preservation. After all, if you feel very comfortable and safe with someone, you’re more likely to seek out closeness. But, studies have found that physical closeness with a stranger or person outside of someone’s inner circle can trigger activity in the amygdala, the part of our brain responsible for fear, aggression, and stress.

Physical touch

Touch is a powerful form of nonverbal communication and can be used to convey strong emotions. A touch on the shoulder when someone is in distress, for instance, can be instantly calming. On the other hand, a squeeze of the thigh or knee can indicate arousal or interest. Of course, physical touch can also be used in intimidation or control.

In general, physical touch is reserved for people who have already established a sense of trust and connection. But that’s not always the case. Many cultures display a high tolerance for casual physical touch that indicates goodwill. In certain contexts, physical touch can also be used for conflict resolution or to diffuse a heated moment.

Facial Expressions

It is widely accepted in the scientific community that the average human can morph their face into thousands of different configurations. But, how many of those configurations are universal is up for debate. The current number falls somewhere between 16 and 22 (with the many thousands of leftovers being referred to as micro expressions). So clearly, you could spend many years becoming an expert in facial expression reading. But for now, let’s cover the basics:

Eye contact

Eye contact is another one of our most basic avenues for nonverbal communication, and it can send a wide array of messages.

Sustained eye contact, for instance, can create intimacy and bonding, even having the effect of releasing serotonin and dopamine in the brain. Or, fixed eye contact can be aggressive, used for intimidation and antagonism.

Likewise, avoiding eye contact can be used in distinct contexts, either as a possible sign of discomfort or a tactic for deceit or conflict avoidance.

Other eye expressions, such as eye rolls, widening or squinting of the eyes, glances out of the side of the eye, and other gestures, have their own meanings and messages.

Smiling

Smiling is one of the first facial expressions that humans have the capacity to form as babies, making it one of our most fundamental forms of nonverbal communication. But even so, the untrained eye is remarkably inept at identifying a genuine smile. In fact, we may only be able to do it about half the time.

To boost your chances of being able to spot a fake smile, pay close attention to the movement around the eyes. Genuine smiles typically require more muscle activation in the face, specifically around the eyes, leading to a more wrinkled look.

Lip movements

Apart from smiling, our lips are able to convey an astounding amount of emotion, which is why there are body language experts dedicated solely to interpreting this part of the face. Some of the easiest to spot messages include:

• Tightening of the lips. When someone tightens their lips or makes them recede out of view, this could be a sign of wanting to withhold, showing disappointment, or incredulity. Depending on the context, it can be a clear sign of a negative emotion or a way to express sarcasm.
• Lip pursing. Lip pursing has a few different possible meanings. On the one hand, it’s closely linked to disgust, uncertainty, disapproval, or disappointment. But, in certain parts of the world, pursed lips are used to point without a negative emotional connotation.
• Lip biting. There are many ways that this facial configuration can express itself, so context is important with this one. In some situations, for example, lip biting can be a form of self-soothing for stress or anxiety. As such, it allows a person to show that they’re uncomfortable with the conversation or don’t want to share. Funnily enough, a very different message also associated with lip biting—arousal—may be rooted in the same self-soothing source. Lip biting during courtship, for instance, could convey interest without having to rely on verbal cues. In this context, the withholding is playful and suggestive.
• Slanting of the lips. This micro expression is often exaggerated for comedic effect, and does a great job of showing disdain and disapproval. In other words, you can think of it a bit like the other person saying, “Oh brother” or “give me a break” without initiating a more confrontational interaction.

Again, there are many, many ways that our lips can form expressions, so it’s always best to take these kinds of nonverbal cues in context.

Eyebrow movements

Not everyone has a full range of motion in their eyebrows, but most everyone is able to convey at least some emotional expressions through this medium.

Raised eyebrows, for example, are typically associated with surprise, disbelief, or sometimes disapproval. Furrowed brows can be seen as brooding, angry, or critical.

Specific Scenarios

Now that we’ve covered some of the major body language expressions, let’s see what they might look like in action! Each of the following scenarios can help you conceptualize how you might start reading body language in relationships.

First Date

You are running a few minutes late to your first date with Max at a nice, busy restaurant downtown. When you arrive, you can see instantly that he’s not happy with your lateness. His shoulders are hunched, and he’s frowning down at his cellphone, maybe checking the time or looking at your last message.

You approach the table with a smile and a slightly embarrassed expression and give him a light touch on the forearm. You make full eye contact as you say again that you’re sorry for being late and hope he wasn’t waiting too long.

This immediately sets the tone of the interaction, as you’ve established that you are apologetic and not looking for confrontation. The smile and light physical contact establishes trust and closeness, and your eye contact makes you look open to connection.

Luckily, Max relaxes, and you go on to have a great first date.

Deepening Intimacy

You’ve been on two dates with Casey and are thinking of going in for a first kiss at the end of your next one. Casey has said to you that she wants to take things slow, but after the last date, you walked away with the impression that maybe she had been waiting for you to kiss her.

During your evening together, in which you have taken Casey to a film screening and ice cream afterwards, you tune into her body language. On multiple occasions, Casey has leaned into you, and during the movie, she put a hand on your arm. She has been seeking out eye contact, but quickly becomes embarrassed and looks away.

As you walk her to her front door, the conversation dies down, and you know that this could be the moment to take the next step. Casey looks up at you, and you lean in towards her, but not all the way to a kiss. You notice in that moment that instead of leaning in as well, Casey’s body tenses, and she takes a slight step backward.

Even though this might feel like an embarrassing moment, you can ease the situation by saying something like, “I’m sorry, I thought that maybe you were ready for a first kiss, but I get the sense that you’re not quite there yet.”

Remember that reading body language isn’t the only resource at your disposal! When you’re struggling to get a clear message, conversation is your next best step.

In this case, it works, and Casey instantly relaxes. Perhaps because you’ve let her know clearly that she’s safe with you, she leans in and initiates your first kiss.

Navigating Conflict

You and Natalie have been dating for a few months and are in the middle of your very first fight. You made a joke about her being a bit of a gossip after she told you a long story about one of her friends. And she got offended and told you that sharing what was going on in her life didn’t make her a gossip. You realized almost immediately that you were in the wrong and that Natalie was trying to connect with you emotionally through the story. But you also kind of felt like she was being dramatic and didn’t want to apologize immediately. After that, she completely shut down, crossed her arms, and avoided eye contact with you for the rest of the evening. Even when you tried leaning in for a kiss, she pulled away.

Clearly, some conflict resolution needs to happen, so you get ready to talk to Natalie. You make sure that your shoulders are relaxed, you’re facing her, and that your arms are not crossed. You reach out with a palm up to invite her to hold your hand. In this way, you’re showing Natalie that you, too, are looking for emotional connection and reconciliation. And even though Natalie’s body posture is still tense and closed off, she puts her hand in yours. From here, you’re able to clarify that you do want her to share her life with you, and you’re sorry for making a joke that hurt her feelings.

Using body language to improve your relationships

As you can see, learning how to tune into body language can greatly improve your connection with a partner. But you might still be wondering how to implement some of the concepts we’ve talked about here. Take a look at these final tips for reading body language in relationships:

Mirroring

Mirroring is the practice of replicating a partner’s body language. This is often done unconsciously, as we naturally copy our loved one’s mannerisms as a way to show solidarity and support. But if this doesn’t come naturally to you, there are subtle ways that you can practice it, including:

• Making eye contact.
• Considering what emotions the other person is feeling.
• Matching your general stance and expressions with the other person.

Don’t break body language etiquette rules

Now that you have a better understanding of some of the common body language messages, you can also notice the times that you find yourself overstepping nonverbal etiquette. For example, ask yourself:

• Do people tend to lean away from me when I talk to them? This could be a sign that you’re encroaching on their personal space.
• Do people tend to avoid eye contact with me? Do they cross their arms? This could let you know that people find you intimidating.
• Do romantic partners say that it’s difficult to connect with me emotionally? Or that they find me hard to read? This could be a sign that you’re not using body language to foster connection and a feeling of openness.

Fake it to make it

As we mentioned, body language can vary from person to person, and some people will feel more comfortable expressing themselves nonverbally. If this is something you think you struggle with, don’t worry. Science says that you can actually fix this and reap some key benefits.

One study, for example, found that participants who were invited to take on a more open body posture ended up experiencing improvements in their moods and thoughts. On the other hand, the participants who were asked to assume more closed-off body postures reported feeling anxious, bored, tired, and impatient.

So, test this out for yourself! When you want to feel calm and confident, lower your shoulders and uncross your arms. You might find that it will be easier to connect with a romantic partner when your body language is sending the right message.

When in doubt, ask

As we mentioned, body language should be considered just one tool you have at your disposal to connect with a partner. So, if you’re having trouble reading your loved one’s nonverbal cues, ask them for clarification!

For instance, when you ask your partner if they’re upset because they’re crossing their arms, they might tell you that they’re actually just cold. In this way, you can make sure that you’re not misinterpreting nonverbal cues and that you learn more about how your partner uses body language to express their feelings.

How confident do you feel reading body language in relationships?

Now that we’ve explored some simple ways to increase your body language literacy, how confident do you feel practicing this skill in your relationships? Do you think that you’ll be able to better read facial expressions? Will you try power posing on your next first date?

No matter what, you can be sure that reading body language in relationships will make you feel closer and more connected to your partner!