9 Common Dating Mistakes to Avoid in the First Month

If you’re making some of the most common dating mistakes in the first month of seeing someone, you might find yourself frustrated, burned out, and wondering what you’re doing wrong. But the good news is, you’re not the only one! So many people go into dating with the best of intentions, only to find that they struggle to make connections and take things to the next level.

In this article, we’re going to talk about some frequent missteps that people tend to make in the first month of dating. When you start to phase out these mistakes, you’ll find yourself enjoying your single life and meeting some very special people in the process. Because even if your end goal is to find your forever person, the early days of dating shouldn’t be a slog!

9 Dating mistakes in the first month

Not giving yourself time to get over your ex

It doesn’t matter if you just got out of a 5-year relationship or you’re still in a bit of a funk after your situationship ghosted you. If you’re still grieving your ex, regardless of how serious you were, it’s not a good idea to jump into a new relationship.

For one thing, there’s a risk that you’re going to spend the whole time talking about your ex. This is a clear indicator to whoever you’re dating that you’re not emotionally available. They’re likely going to get out before getting too invested, which may leave you feeling even worse than before.

The other risk is that, even if you don’t talk about them, you might secretly or subconsciously be comparing the new person to your ex. This isn’t fair to the new person and will leave you feeling frustrated.

Showing up to every first date as if it’s the last first date

You never know when you’re going to meet the love of your life. But when you think about every first date as potentially the last first date of your life, it can put way too much pressure on the situation. If you find yourself showing up to first dates with high levels of anxiety (think, sweaty palms, trouble speaking, feeling like you might throw up), it’s likely that you’ve been setting the expectations too high.

Not only is it difficult to be your authentic self when you’re nervous, but it can also negatively impact your chance to develop a real connection with someone. Nonverbal communication is extremely important when first getting to know someone, and if your body is in fight-flight-freeze mode, you can see why someone might struggle to get to know the real you.

Putting the cart before the horse

Let’s say that you and this new person hit it off on the first date. There was witty banter, flirtation, and genuine connection. And you think to yourself, “Well, this is it. I’m going to marry this person.” After all, you might have heard of people knowing after the first date that they had found the one they had been looking for.

While it is true that you may have just had the best first date of your life, fast-forwarding to the future is not always a smart move. In fact, it can put blinders on you and make it more difficult to create an authentic, strong connection with someone. In other words, you’ve just catapulted this person into the role of “your future spouse,” which is a position that they may not be ready for or interested in. And, when you start talking about your future house or kids or even plans a few months out in advance, it can be overwhelming for someone you’ve only had a few interactions with.

Putting your life on hold for someone you just met

When you’re getting to know a new romantic partner, your brain goes into an intense period of feel-good chemical release. And because this process happens in the reward center of the brain, it makes total sense that you would want to spend lots of time with the person responsible for making you feel great!

The problem is, in the height of the early days, you might find yourself neglecting other areas of your life, such as your friendships, hobbies, work responsibilities and more. Suddenly, you’re looking to one person to provide you with feelings of happiness, contentment, and safety, which is a role that they may not be totally comfortable with or able to sustain.

Spending too much time together also takes away your ability to process the relationship from a more logical standpoint. You need time after the first few dates or the first time that you’ve been intimate to think about what you liked and what you didn’t like. Without that distance, it’s difficult to be impartial.

Brushing over red flags

Dating experts warn against allowing yourself to idealize the person that you’ve recently started dating. But the reality is, it’s something we all do. When we’re starting to build a connection with someone, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, we excuse any problematic behavior, and we may even convince ourselves that we’re the problem when conflicts arise.

If you find yourself putting new partners on a pedestal in the first month, you’re not alone. But your rose colored glasses could be preventing you from seeing that this person is not a good match for you.

Making everything about you

Dating can feel very personal and vulnerable. After all, you’re putting yourself out there and opening yourself up to being hurt! That’s a scary endeavor, and it can lead you to take things personally.

But it can be easy to forget that because you don’t know much about the other person, you’re operating with a limited perspective. This can mean that you might assume that something is about you when it’s really not. Consider some examples:

• They don’t text you regularly. Many people overthink when it comes to texting etiquette early in the relationship. Should you respond to messages right away? Do you send a text in the morning? Are you oversharing? And because there are so many messages online about the subtext of texting, you might start reading into a new partner’s text etiquette. If they don’t respond within a few minutes, you might think that they’re losing interest. If they give a one-word answer, you might assume that you’ve upset them. But the truth is, they could be dealing with work pressures, family life, or even feeling overwhelmed by screentime. In many cases, their text etiquette doesn’t have anything to do with how they feel about you.
• They are dating other people. If you’ve gone on one or two (or even a handful of) dates with someone, it’s important to remember that you haven’t agreed to exclusivity yet. In fact, until you’ve had a conversation about being exclusive, you can’t take it personally when someone you’re dating continues to date other people. For some, casually dating more than one person at a time helps them to keep things in perspective and learn more about what they like and don’t like. And you can decide that you’d rather not date someone who isn’t exclusive from the first date, but keep in mind that their dating habits are not a personal affront to you.
• They want to split the bill. Many women, in particular, see splitting the bill on a first date as a show of disrespect. And, to be sure, there are many legitimate reasons why a woman would expect the first date to be covered by the man, especially if she put in a lot of time, energy, and money into getting ready for the date. But, often, a man wanting to split the cost of the first date isn’t a personal attack. He might have gone on a string of first dates recently and is feeling the hit on his wallet. He might have had a few experiences of women requesting a first date without any genuine interest in dating him romantically, just to take advantage of his generosity. Or, he might be the primary breadwinner for his family and is on a strict budget. Regardless of whether or not you think that he should be going on first dates if he can’t pay the full price, it’s important to remember that his reasons may have nothing to do with how much he respects you.

Overall, when you take things personally at the beginning of dating someone, it could make you write someone off without giving them the chance they deserve.

Lovebombing

In dating, we often talk about being on the lookout for lovebombing. But the reality is, you might be lovebombing someone else without being aware that you’re doing it. That’s because lovebombing isn’t always a conscious, concerted effort, but rather an unhealthy pattern of behavior that you might rely on in order to build a connection with someone.

For example, are you the kind of person to get very intense at the beginning of a relationship? Maybe you find yourself wanting to talk to them all the time, sending them memes and messages, or having gifts delivered to their house. Perhaps you tell the other person how special you think they are and how excited you are to be dating them.

In your mind, you’re just being direct and honest about how you feel. But the problem is that your intensity doesn’t match the current stage of the relationship. And your overpowering approach might be putting any kind of genuine, healthy relationship at risk.

If you identify with this, don’t worry. We’re not saying that you’re a narcissist or out to emotionally manipulate your partners. Lovebombing often is rooted in a desire to be loved, albeit on an unhealthy level. Later on in this article, we’ll talk about potential remedies for lovebombing behavior.

Focusing more on being chosen than choosing

Women especially receive the message from movies, shows, books, and fairytales that their Prince Charming is going to come find them. All that they have to do is wait, and eventually they’ll be chosen by their perfect match.

The problem is, when you have the mindset that your main goal is to be chosen by a partner, you forget that you are part of the deciding committee, too! You have your own list of preferences, desires, and needs that the right partner should be able to fulfill if they’re going to make you happy. And when you forget about the list that you bring to the table, you spend all of your time focusing on how to make the other person like you. You forget to ask yourself if you actually like them.

In practice, this can look like talking only about yourself and your qualities on a first date. It can also look like agreeing to things that you don’t actually believe in because you’re trying to make a good impression. By the end of the date, you feel like you’ve put on a performance instead of really gotten to know one another.

Prioritizing potential over reality

Many of us have been in the situation of thinking, “This could work as long as they change _____” or “They have such a good heart, I know they’ll realize _____.” And we use these phrases to justify shortcomings or ignore red flags that we see in the here and now.

But it’s almost never a good idea to replace the person sitting across from you with a version of them that you think they could be someday. You can, of course, believe in them and want the best for them, but if you’re more focused on their potential, you might accept less-than-acceptable behavior from them in the current moment.

The reality is, the person that you are interacting with in the present could be who they are forever. They may never have more time for you in the future, or get that life-changing job they’ve been talking about. They may never decide that they want to get married and have a family. They may never mature into the person that you want them to be.

So, if you don’t like them in their current state, it’s not a good idea to stick around just because you see potential.

How to start dating more intentionally

We never want to leave you with a list of things that you’re doing wrong, but instead offer you real-life tips for having a better dating life. So, considering everything that we’ve covered so far, what are some of the ways that you can avoid the 9 dating mistakes so common in the first month?

Focus on loving your life outside of dating

It does seem strange to hear that one of the best things you can do to avoid dating mistakes is to stop thinking so much about dating altogether. But it’s true. When you have a full, satisfying life outside of your romantic adventures, it gives you perspective, self-confidence, and ease. In other words, you’ll head into every first date thinking, “Well, I hope this goes well. But if it doesn’t, I get to keep living my amazing single life. Win-win.”

Work on addressing some of the personal things that are getting in the way of dating

Many of the mistakes that we’ve covered in this article are rooted in psychological pain and trauma. For instance, lovebombing, ignoring red flags, and taking everything personally are often related to deep-seated insecurities and fears around love and connection.

If you can, consider working through some of these issues with the help of a mental health professional. This person will be able to help you identify your own unhealthy patterns so that you can start dating with more intention and clarity.

Think of first dates like a friendly hangout

Remember that putting too much pressure on a new relationship can doom it to fail. So, instead of going into each date with high expectations, consider lowering the bar. Now, we don’t mean lower the bar in terms of how tolerant you are of red flags and bad behavior. Instead, lower the bar when it comes to your expectations for how this could turn out.

For instance, instead of thinking, “I could be meeting the love of my life,” you might think, “I could be meeting an interesting person who might become a romantic partner, or might become a friend, or might become a funny story that I tell my friends later.” By managing your expectations in this way, you can go into each date with a little bit more groundedness.

Have conversation topics at the ready (if you need them)

If you suffer from carrying on the conversation as a way to fill awkward silences or agreeing to everything the other person says out of nervousness, it can be helpful to go on dates with conversation topics. The kinds of questions you ask can help to break the ice as well as help you understand more about this person, such as:

• How do you like to spend your free time?

• What are your favorite and least favorite things about your job?

• Do you have pets? Would you ever like to have pets in the future?

• What is your relationship like with your family? How often do you get together? Are there holidays that you spend together?

• What are you hoping to get out of dating?

These questions aren’t meant to be asked in quick succession; otherwise, it will come across as a job interview. But being able to cover these bases on the first or second date is a good way to make sure you’re actually learning about this person and not just getting swept up in the excitement.

Ignore the toxic dating advice

If you already have anxiety about dating, there are plenty of sources online that are ready to tell you what you need to change about yourself. But if the advice that you’re receiving is making you feel less confident or excited about dating, don’t be afraid to turn down the volume a little bit.

To be sure, it’s a good idea to be reflective about your dating habits and make small adjustments. But, headlines like “this is why you keep getting ghosted” or “you’re single because you’re not following this one dating rule” can make it more difficult to show up to first dates as your relaxed, authentic self.

Interrupt the self-criticism

This is an important one, because one of the biggest barriers to emotionally connecting with someone is your own brain telling you that you’re not good enough. And having low self-esteem while dating can make you more susceptible to emotional manipulation, lovebombing, and being inauthentic in order to gain the other person’s favor.

Building up your own self-esteem is not a one-size-fits-all process. But one thing that you can start doing immediately is interrupting self-criticism. In other words, any time that you hear a voice in your head that says, “They’re not responding because I’m not interesting enough,” or “They’re going to think I’m weird,” or “Why did I say that,” think of how you would respond kindly to your best friend.

Live in the here and now

You might have noticed that issues from the past and expectations for the future can both get in the way of developing a healthy relationship in the here and now. So, learning how to enjoy the current moment and take things one step at a time can be game-changing for your dating life.

One key way to do this is to start journaling. After your dates, write down what you liked and didn’t like. Write down what kinds of topics you talked about and moments when you felt like there was a genuine connection. This will get you into the habit of living in the present moment instead of overthinking and overanalyzing.

Don’t downplay the emotional roller coaster

Pretending like dating is not full of emotional highs and lows, insecurity triggers, and disappointments isn’t doing you any favors. And in fact, you might just be suppressing your emotions instead of processing them before you head out for your next date.

So, as much as it’s important to keep a generally positive attitude, it’s also important to give yourself the space to feel what you need to feel.

It’s time to put your dating mistakes in the first month in the past

In this article, we’ve talked about 9 of the most common dating missteps that can prevent you from developing a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship. And we’ve given you some remedies to counter these common mistakes. So, we hope that you’re feeling more confident and excited about diving back into the dating pool. You deserve to have a fun, meaningful dating experience!