How to Respect Boundaries Without Losing Connection

If you tend to overwhelm your partners with an anxious attachment style, you may be wondering how to give someone space in a relationship. Is there a way to let your partner breathe without letting them go? And how can you make sure that your own needs are met even while you give your partner the space they need to be happy?

It’s a balance that can be difficult to strike for many couples. In this article, we’re going to talk about why space can be helpful, how you can invite the right amount of distance, and other tips for happier, healthier relationships.

Why give someone space in a relationship?

Often, when we hear that a partner needs space in the relationship, it sends off alarm bells in the brain. Are we breaking up? Do they not like to spend time with me? What did I do wrong? Instead of jumping to conclusions, it can be helpful to consider some of the benefits of a relationship that isn’t connected and together all of the time. For instance, take a look at some of the reasons why space can be a good thing for a couple:

It allows each person to pursue individual hobbies, goals, and friendships

The people you were when you met are the versions of you that were attractive and exciting to one another. And, there’s a risk that when you start to spend all your time together, you can lose those qualities that made you so appealing in the first place.

Spending all of your time focusing on your relationship can also keep you stuck in the present instead of working towards future goals or personal growth. But in order for a relationship to work long-term, you need to move forward alongside each other, not stay frozen in your current state.

It can create a deeper connection

“Distance makes the heart grow fond” isn’t just a platitude. When you don’t see your partner all the time, it allows you to miss them. And throughout your time without your partner, you may think of things that you’d like to tell them about afterwards, or take pictures of things that you think they’d find interesting.

The result is that when the two of you are together, your interactions are more engaged and stimulating than if you were to spend all of your time together.

This cycle of missing each other while you’re away and then enjoying the time that you’re together can create a deeper bond.

It keeps the spark alive

When you’re in the early days of a relationship, two chemicals, serotonin and dopamine, flood the brain. This is what creates a sense of euphoria and a desire to be together constantly. But, over time, these intense neurotransmitters cool down, and if your relationship is healthy, your brain will focus more on oxytocin, the chemical associated with long-term connection and bonding.

But research shows that not every couple loses that initial “madly in love” feeling. When you focus on creating novelty and breaking the routine, it can be enough to keep dopamine levels high.

It helps you to be more accepting of annoyances

As much as you adore your partner, spending too much time with them is almost certainly going to result in getting on each other’s nerves from time to time. This happens with siblings, with roommates, with colleagues. And yes, it can happen with romantic partners as well.

When you spend time away from each other, these little quirks and eccentricities don’t feel so overwhelming. And, you’ll be better able to appreciate them instead of feeling annoyed by them.

It provides perspective

When we spend too much time with one person, it can give us a myopic, or nearsighted, view of things. And this is a problem for a few reasons.

On the one hand, it can make it difficult to work through conflicts because we aren’t able to use distance in order to cool down heightened feelings. Going for a walk or sharing a meal with a friend gives our brain a break from being in a state of upset. And once we’re a little calmer, our logical brain kicks in and allows us to think through problems with a more solution-oriented mindset.

This myopic view can also skew our judgment by preventing us from seeing the relationship from a distance. Being “in it” all the time makes it more difficult to notice red flags or think critically about the dynamic. In other words, you may find yourself existing within the relationship without ever processing the relationship.

Distance is a non-negotiable for introverts

If you or your partner is an introvert or has introverted tendencies, distance is not only beneficial but actually crucial for your relationship. That’s because, no matter how much you enjoy spending time together or feel comfortable being together, alone time is when an introvert can truly recharge.

Without this essential downtime, an introvert can become burned out, overwhelmed, and short-fused.

It lowers the risk of becoming co-dependent

When couples spend too much time together, it creates an environment in which co-dependency can take root. This is a dynamic in which boundaries break down, and partners are unable to separate their emotions and needs. Often, one person becomes “the savior” in the relationship, sacrificing their own needs in order to manage the emotions of the other.

And while co-dependency can feel like care and intimacy at the beginning, it actually is an unhealthy dynamic in which neither partner is able to deal with their own problems in a productive way.

Why giving space might be hard for you (and what to do about it)

Clearly, there are many benefits to inviting some distance into your relationship. But maybe you’re still feeling nervous about the idea of letting your partner go, to whatever extent. And understanding why this may be true for you is an important step in creating a more satisfying relationship.

For instance, some common reasons why you might struggle to give someone space in a relationship could include:

Your past experiences

Maybe you have dated people in the past who used the excuse of “needing distance” to be unfaithful or slowly ghost you. And this can make you understandably wary about willingly inviting distance into new relationships.

Unfortunately, though, resisting any kind of separation from your partner can end up smothering them and forcing them away. So, it’s important to process those fears so that they don’t negatively impact future relationships.

Your attachment style

Attachment Theory in psychology suggests that the way that we interact with our caregivers during early childhood development influences the way that we seek out connection with a partner in adulthood.

To put it in simplified terms, if your needs for connection and care weren’t properly met in childhood, you may struggle to form healthy bonds with romantic partners. This can lead to “anxious attachment,” in which you feel a need to be constantly in contact with your partner in order to feel secure. Without their constant reassurance, you feel uneasy and unsure of the relationship.

Your beliefs about what a relationship “should” look like

Maybe you haven’t had overly negative relationships in the past, nor did you experience a childhood that led to anxious attachment. You could still feel worried about giving space to your partner because of the messages you’ve received in popular culture about what a good relationship should look like.

Because rom-coms and romance novels tend to end at the altar and not show the realities of what a healthy relationship actually looks like, it’s easy to get a sense that happily ever after means that you and your partner will never leave each other’s sides.

How you can ease your need for closeness

Given that healthy relationships typically need some distance, there are ways that you can train your brain to become comfortable with the separation:

• Address past pains and traumas. This is especially helpful if you can work through your past experiences with the help of a mental health professional.
• Talk to your partner about your hesitations. Sometimes, simply naming your worries can be enough to soothe them, especially if your partner can give you reassurances that they are unwarranted.
• Look towards real examples of healthy love in your life. Instead of looking to movies and fictional books for examples of love, take a look at friends, family, or people in your community who are happy and secure in their relationships. Even though you will only see a snapshot of their full relationship, these examples can give you a better perspective on what a real relationship can look like.
• Fill your life with your own activities. When you and your partner spend time away from each other, you’ll be better able to manage the anxiety of distance when you yourself are busy and happy. So, sign up for a painting class, take up running, or schedule get-togethers with friends so you’re not just waiting around for your partner to come back.

Ground rules for giving space

At this point, you may feel more comfortable moving forward with introducing more space in your relationship for the benefit of yourself and your partner! But, there are a few ground rules that can make sure that space doesn’t turn into disconnect:

Be open and honest about how you’ll spend your time apart

Maybe you’re worried that space in your relationship will mean that your partner disappears for hours or days at a time. But this shouldn’t be the case. Instead, creating healthy distance looks like:

• “Hey, I’m heading to the gym, and I’m leaving my phone in my locker. I’ll talk to you after my workout.”
• “Okay, my friend just arrived at the restaurant, I’ll let you know when I’m on the way home, around 11.”
• “I’m going to say goodnight now so that I can read and go to bed early.”

As you can see, there’s no ambiguity about the distance so that each partner doesn’t end up feeling unsure or insecure.

Make sure that the space isn’t just physical

While physical space is important, the benefits will be reduced if you spend all of your time apart, texting or FaceTime. So, consider your time apart to be both physical and digital distance. To be sure, you can check in from time to time, but encourage each other to enjoy your time apart, offline.

When you’re together, be together

Just as you’ll want to put the phones down when you’re enjoying your separate activities, it’s important that your time together be screenless, as well. Talk about what you did when you were apart or plan activities that will encourage connection.

Of course, you don’t have to be too intense about this. But, having some guidelines about when you’ll set aside time for scrolling can make sure that the time you spend together is quality.

When anxieties come up, address them

Just because you’ve learned about the benefits of distance and started working on becoming more comfortable with spending time away from your partner doesn’t mean that your anxieties will go away overnight. As you work through this process, make sure that you continue talking to your partner (and ideally, a mental health professional) so that you can make sure you’re progressing and not just suppressing your emotions.

Learn to tell the difference between healthy space and emotional distance

As we mentioned, you may fear that giving your partner space might lead to emotional distance and an eventual breakup. And unfortunately, there is a risk of this. If you’re not with the right person, the two of you may drift apart. But, you’ll be able to tell the difference between healthy separation and emotional distance by taking note of the following red flags:

• Your partner doesn’t follow the guidelines you agreed to. For example, maybe they disappear without notice and don’t respond to your texts.
• Your partner schedules much more time apart than together.
• Your partner prioritizes time with friends or their own activities over quality time with you.
• When you are together, your partner may be glued to their phone or not engaged in conversation with you.

If this is the case, it will be important to address the issue with your partner and decide whether you want to continue together. After all, space in a relationship should create a more loving and secure dynamic between the two of you.

Do you feel ready to give someone space in a relationship?

In this article, we’ve talked about the benefits that creating some distance in your relationship can have for you and your partner. We’ve also covered some understandable reasons why you may struggle with space in your relationships and ways that you can feel more comfortable spending time away from your partner.

We hope that you’re feeling more at ease with the idea of creating some separation between you and your special someone. After all, it will do good for your relationship, for your partner, and most importantly, for you!