Navigating the Digital Divide: Screen Time vs. Quality Time in Relationships

Wondering how balancing screen time vs quality time can improve your relationships? The science says being more conscious about the amount of time partners spend on their phones can lead to higher relationship satisfaction, better mental health, and deeper connection.

So, whether you’re going on a first date or are looking for ways to care for your existing relationship, this article will help you strike the right balance between screen time and face-to-face time.

What are the risks of spending too much time on our phones?

As phones and personal screens have become a bigger part of our lives, psychologists and researchers have brought up an array of concerns about how they might negatively affect our mental health. Here are a few of the commonly cited risks of too much screen time in relationships:

Partner phubbing

Partner phubbing is a relatively recent term that combines the words “phone” and “snubbing,” and it’s used to describe the act of ignoring another person in your vicinity in order to pay attention to your phone. There are many negative impacts of this kind of behavior on a relationship, including:

• Loneliness
• Resentment
• Feelings of jealousy or low self-esteem that come with being deprioritized.
• Miscommunication. It’s difficult to accurately process and engage in rational decision-making when distracted, which is why miscommunication can increase with phubbing.
• Missed bids for connection. Bids for connection are subtle attempts to gain the attention of a loved one, and can include small gestures such as thinking out loud, reaching out for physical touch, or making everyday observations. Relationship experts suggest that missed or ignored bids for attention are a recipe for emotional separation.
• Feelings of rejection
• Anger
• Breakdown of physical body language messages.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of a phub by a partner, you can probably understand the negative impact that it can have long-term on a relationship. Furthermore, there are damaging ways that partners tend to respond to being phubbed on a regular basis that can further exacerbate the situation, including:

• Reciprocal phubbing. It’s common for people who are being ignored by someone on their phone to simply retaliate in kind. Instead of solving the problem, it can lead to further emotional distance.
• Arguments. Someone who is being ignored may lash out by starting arguments, either related or unrelated to the phone use.
• Demands for vigilance. Because phubbing can lead to increased feelings of jealousy, a partner may request to surveil the other person's phone usage, which can lead to resentment and further feelings of distrust.

Phone addiction

Phone addiction has become a concern for mental health experts over the last few years, with some common side effects including:

• Inability to perform daily tasks and keep up with responsibilities
• Increased executive dysfunction
• Lower personal satisfaction
• Increased anxiety
• Increased risk for depression
• Mental and emotional fatigue

You can see how overuse of smartphones can not only lead to relationship issues but also have a negative impact on the well-being of partners individually. Someone who is struggling with decreased mental health due to phone addiction will find it difficult to maintain healthy and functional relationships.

Can screen time be a good thing in a relationship?

We don’t want to make sweeping claims that everyone in a partnership should throw away their smartphone. In fact, there are ways that phones can have a positive impact on your romantic relationships, such as:

• Creating a sense of closeness over distance. When you’re not with your partner, cell phones can obviously be an asset to continued connection.
• Allowing us to send virtual bids for attention. Whether you send memes that make you think of one another, videos, or audio messages, these kinds of online bids for attention can lead to increased connection in the virtual age.
• Facilitating expressions of affection and connection. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable sitting down to write a physical love letter to a partner but can easily type out a lengthy text message instead.
• Connecting couples to relationship-building apps and websites to deepen connection. The internet has endless resources which can benefit couples, including intimacy games, lists of conversation starters, and more.

How can you find the right balance between screen time vs quality time?

We’re not likely to completely get rid of our phones any time soon, so the next question is: how can we balance screen time vs. quality time for the benefit of our relationships? Here are a few ideas:

Talk to your partner about wanting to address phone usage

If both people in the relationship aren’t on the same page for setting boundaries with phone use, it could lead to further conflict and resentment. So, before introducing some of the strategies that we recommend here, it’s a good idea to make sure that there is investment on both sides for the best chance of success.

On the other hand, if your partner is unreceptive to addressing their phone use, you might consider alternatives such as couples therapy.

Conduct a current phone use assessment

Once you’ve agreed that your relationship can benefit from changing your phone usage, a good first step in creating a healthy balance is to get an accurate image of how much your phones factor into your relationship. Pay attention to:

• How much free time each partner spends on their phones.
• How much phubbing is happening during one-on-one time.
• Moments of positive phone use, such as sending media to one another, sharing recipes, messaging one another, etc.

Set goals for daily time limits on cellphone use

There are many benefits to goal-setting when trying to change daily habits, including:

• Sparking motivation. Simply setting goals triggers the reward center in the brain, making you feel more invested in success.
• Allowing you to keep track of progress. Being able to set trackable goals, such as using your phone for fewer hours or planning more dates around quality time, can give you a roadmap to progress. This makes the process feel more accessible and tangible.
• Giving you the opportunity to celebrate wins. Staying motivated to maintain a healthy balance between screen time vs quality time may require you to continue validating and appreciating the benefits of putting the phone away.

Have designated no phone times or areas

One goal that many couples find useful is to have an agreed-upon “no phone” time or area. This might mean no phones at the dinner table or before 9 am. Or, it could mean leaving the phones in another room at night or even checking them at the door when you come home. Exactly what these rules will look like will depend on what is reasonable and accessible for each couple.

Plan dates in which phone use is inconvenient or impossible

One enjoyable way to prioritize quality time over screen time is to engage in activities in which it’s not possible to be on your phone. There are many options to choose from, including:

• Hiking in areas where there’s limited cell reception
• Swimming
• Attending a hands-on class such as pottery, cooking, glass blowing, or wood working.
• Couples massages
• Phone detox retreats

Use apps designed to cut down on screen time

As it turns out, there are many people and couples looking to reduce their screentime. Which means that there are also apps popping up to help with your goals!

The idea of these apps is to limit the amount of time you spend online with reminders and even screen blocks. And, you can choose an interface or motivation system that works for you. For example, some models offer rewards for reduced screen time while others simply block you from being able to use your phone or certain apps once you’ve reached your limit.

Accept that reducing screen time is a process

It’s important to acknowledge that you and your partner probably won’t be able to make a drastic change if your phone use habit is well-established. And, automatically criticizing one another for falling back into the habit can do more harm than good.

Instead, try to remain neutral and supportive to one another while you go through the transition.

Have a “safe word” for interrupting phubbing

During this period of reducing screen time, you might find it helpful to have a word or gesture that you use to gently let the other person know they’re getting sucked into their screen.

One option here could be to use a neutral word or phrase or reach out to make physical contact.

Maintain emotional connection during phone use

If you and your partner want to set aside time for screen time, you can cut down on the feeling of emotional distance by maintaining some kind of affectionate physical contact. This could include holding hands, physical proximity, or another form of contact that makes you feel connected even when you’re scrolling.

It can also be a good practice to debrief one another about what interesting things you came across while scrolling. This may help to reduce feelings of jealousy while keeping each other in the loop. This should not, of course, look like an investigation or surveillance session. Instead, the idea is to restore emotional connection through sharing.

How do you feel about setting up a better screen time vs quality time balance?

Now that we’ve covered some of the risks of too much screen time, do you feel compelled to talk to your partner about increasing your face-to-face time? With the right approach, you and your partner can start to enjoy deeper emotional connection and relationship satisfaction. All it takes is to find the right balance between screen time vs quality time!