15 Brutal Signs You’ll Never Find Real Love

Do you feel that the universe is sending you signs that you’ll never find love? Maybe you’ve been unlucky in past relationships or are simply tired of seeing all of your friends couple up while you’re still single.

Well, the harsh reality is that it may not be divine intervention (or the alignment of the stars or any other celestial force) that’s keeping you from finding your match. In fact, there may be other reasons why you’ve struggled to connect. And the good news is, once you know what these other reasons might be, you can make changes that will improve your chance at love.

Let’s talk about some of the things you might be doing to be your own worst wingman (or wingwoman) and what you can do to turn it around.

Before we get started, a disclaimer to soften the sting

In this article, we’re going to talk about some potentially uncomfortable truths that might rub you the wrong way. But, before we dive in, keep in mind that not everything in this article will apply to you. So, you can take what works for you and leave the rest.

And the truths that do apply to you aren’t meant to be taken as a personal attack, but rather an invitation to do some self-reflection. Changing for the better isn’t easy. It requires humility, accountability, and a willingness to be the best version of yourself. You’ll need to interrupt thought patterns and unhealthy behaviors and literally rewire your brain to construct different neural pathways. But the personal growth work you do will lead to some incredible things, whether that includes self-acceptance, a wider social network, or, yes, a more successful love life.

Without further delay, let’s tackle some of the most common reasons why you might be struggling to find love.

You don’t put yourself out there

Whether you work from home or in an office, you might struggle to find the time and energy to engage in dating or even have a social life. Maybe you get home, cook, clean, exercise, take care of a pet or child, or veg out on the couch. In short, the demands of modern society are quite exhausting, so it makes sense that you might not feel compelled to put the effort into dating.

But, here’s the harsh truth: there’s no knight in shining armor on the way to rescue you from your routine. If you want to find a romantic partner, you’ll need to put yourself out there, whether through online dating, engaging in hobbies outside the house, or being brave enough to strike up a conversation with the cutie at the coffee shop.

You’re against dating apps

Sure, we could talk about some of the legitimate downsides of modern dating apps. They can feel shallow, they are more effective in certain areas, they are void of nonverbal communication, they can cause screen fatigue, and the list goes on.

But, unless you’re dedicating your free time to other ways of meeting people out in the real world, your avoidance of dating apps could be hurting your love life.

The good news is, there are a few simple steps that can make the dating apps more approachable, even for the app-averse, such as:

• Trying out a few different apps. Some people like the big-name platforms like Tinder and Hinge. Other people feel more comfortable on Facebook Dating. It’s worth trying out a few options and seeing which one you like the most.
• Setting a daily time limit. Endless swiping will leave you feeling fatigued. So, set a time limit and stick to it!
• Turning off the app notifications
• Keeping track of your dating life. Day to day, you might feel like you’re spinning your wheels and not having much luck on the dating apps. But when you take the time to write about your first dates or how many people you’ve connected with, you get a clearer sense of what the dating apps might be doing to improve your dating success.
• Take breaks. If you’re feeling burned out from the dating apps, feel free to uninstall them from time to time. Give yourself a break, and then get back in the dating pool!

You’re in a cycle of self-criticism

Now, maybe you’re not putting yourself out there, not because you’re tired but because you’re too hard on yourself. You might be critical of your appearance, your social skills, your income level, all sorts of things. And, every time that a romantic endeavor goes wrong, you think, “Well, of course I messed that up.”

But the danger of engaging in this kind of negative self-talk is that it can actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you constantly put yourself down, deflect compliments, and assume that things will go wrong, well, potential partners are going to take the hint.

Even if you do get to a first or second date, low self-esteem can also affect your ability to create emotional bonds with someone long-term. Your constant requests for validation, questioning of your partner’s motives, or disbelief that anyone could want to be in a relationship with you can put strain on the connection and frankly, tire the other person out before you’ve had the chance to build an emotional bond.

Now, hearing that your own self-esteem issues might be hurting your chances at love might make you feel even worse about yourself. But that’s not helpful! Instead, consider ways in which you can be kinder to yourself and work on interrupting negative self-talk so that you can slowly build up your confidence. This would be a great time to mention that therapy is a great way to get out of the cycle of self-criticism!

You put too much pressure on dating

Let’s say that you are being set up on a first date by a good friend of yours, and they’ve given you a very basic description of the person you’re meeting. Maybe they’ve told you that they’re attractive, what they do for work, and a few hobbies.

If you have a tendency to put a lot of pressure on dating, you might find yourself thinking immediately about whether the two of you will look good together as a couple or how their line of work would fit with your lifestyle. Perhaps you’ve already started thinking about how much you would enjoy doing their hobby with them or what that hobby might say about their personality.

By the time you’ve met them in person, you’ve thought through every possible version of your lives together or made them into an absolute god (or goddess) in your mind. What’s worse, you’re scared to pieces that you’re going to do something to mess it up. After all, they sound perfect for you!

This is actually a process of idealization that is detrimental to making genuine connections with people. On the one hand, it will make you feel overly stressed about making sure that you do everything perfectly so as not to lose this special person you’ve created in your mind. And from their perspective, it’s hard to get to know someone who’s putting on a show or walking on eggshells. On the other hand, it can blind you to potential red flags or signs of incompatibility.

Instead, it’s always better to go on a first date without any expectations of who this person is or whether you’ll be good for one another. The goal is simply to meet someone new and hopefully have a good time. And if the connection is good, then you set up another date. Baby steps, in other words!

You’re not a great listener

Listening is a skill that comes naturally to some people, but not to everyone! And if you’ve never considered whether you are a good listener, there’s a chance that this is the reason why you’re struggling to connect with potential partners.

Now, one thing to remember is that being a bad listener doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re selfish and arrogant. Many people struggle with listening because their anxiety tells them that they need to carry the conversation and avoid any awkward poses. Other people may struggle with paying attention and jump around from subject to subject without giving the other person the chance to speak. Or hey, maybe you just struggle to listen when you’re nervous. That’s very common.

No matter what your reason for being a less-than-ideal listener might be, the impact is the same. Few people want to date someone who doesn’t listen to them. So, make sure you’re incorporating a few simple steps towards becoming a better conversationalist:

• Ask questions. Being curious is the first step in being a better listener.
• Take a moment to absorb what the other person said. A simple “hmm, that’s interesting” or “I’m glad to be learning more about you” can go a long way in making the other person feel heard. You can also allow for small moments of silence while you nod and process what they said instead of immediately blurting out your next thought.
• See if you can focus more on asking follow-up questions rather than sharing your own experience. It’s normal to want to identify with what someone is saying by sharing your own related story or opinion. But try to fight this urge and stay with your curiosity about them for a tiny bit longer. Instead of saying, “That reminds me of this time that I…” try saying, “What happened next?”
• Don’t forget to add in your two cents for balance. Focusing too much on being a good listener while withholding any information about yourself is a common overcorrection, so don’t forget to talk about yourself a bit, too! Generally, the conversation should feel balanced, with both of you sharing equally and sharing things of equal value. For instance, if they tell you a lighthearted story about their day and you respond with a deeply personal story about your past, that’s not really the same emotional value.

You think there’s only one kind of acceptable love

One of the signs that you’ll never find love that may seem harsh but is actually freeing is the fact that traditional monogamous love is not for everyone. Not everyone is going to find their perfect match to spend the rest of their life with. And actually, that’s okay. Instead of wondering when it’s going to happen for you, it might be a better idea to start asking yourself:

• Would you be open to a non-monogamous relationship if it weren’t for societal norms?
• Could you see yourself being happy in a sugar relationship?
• Would you be open to a relationship that brings you great joy and satisfaction, even if you knew it would only last a few years?
• Do you find satisfaction in more short-term or casual romances?
• Are you open to long-distance or virtual romances?

These questions are meant to challenge the idea that you have to conform to one kind of romantic love in order to be happy. And, if you’ve been looking for a very strict definition of love because you feel like that’s what you need to do instead of what would actually make you feel good in a relationship, doing some self-reflection might be a total game-changer.

You have other issues that require your attention

Many people receive the message that pursuing love is the most important use of their time and effort. And, true, finding a partner and experiencing love are good life goals for many people. But if you’re focusing on dating without tending to more pressing issues, you and the people that you date will suffer. Here are a few examples:

• An overly demanding work schedule. If you’re just starting out in your career or you have your dream job and it’s requiring all of your time and energy, dating might be out of the picture for the moment.
• Mental health issues. It’s entirely reasonable to want to focus on improving your own mental health before wading into the dating pool. To be sure, you can still find love, and you still deserve to be loved, as you navigate a mental illness. But it’s also fine to prioritize yourself during difficult personal times.
• Family responsibilities. There are many family responsibilities that may legitimately impact your ability to date, for instance, caring for aging parents or a family member with declining health. Kids, of course, also make dating difficult, especially if you’re a single parent and your children are at an age that requires constant care.
• Personal goals. Maybe you’re a climber who spends every weekend training or traveling. Or, perhaps you’re a budding stand-up comic who needs to spend all your free time at comedy clubs. These personal goals may be more important to you right now than being in a relationship.

Remember that it’s okay to put dating aside while you tend to other issues that are more pressing. And remember also that if you do decide that you want to find a partner, you may need to rethink how you prioritize certain things, if possible. In other words, dating shouldn’t require you to completely change your life, but it may require some reshuffling in order to have the time and energy to connect with someone special.

You take things personally

The thing about getting to know new people is that we all have a tendency to assume things that we really don’t know. And that’s because in the absence of knowledge, our brains like to fill in the gaps to make us feel more in control of the situation. Unfortunately, for anyone with some anxiety or insecurity, the way that the brain fills the gaps is to take things personally.

Here’s an example. Say you’ve been messaging someone and things started off really well. There was witty banter, and the messages were flying back and forth. Then, boom. They stopped responding so quickly. Their responses started to be more serious or bland.

And, yes, this kind of situation is hard. But, it’s even harder when you start to ask yourself, “Well, what did I do? I must have said something wrong. Did they lose interest in me? Did I come off too strong?” You might even start to reach out with even more enthusiasm in order to try to rekindle their interest. And that could just make them retreat further.

While it’s true that maybe they did lose interest in your connection (which happens and doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you), it’s equally likely that they got busy with work or had a family member fall ill or realized that they weren’t ready to start dating again after their last breakup. In other words, there are many other potential reasons why they stopped responding, and the vast majority of them have nothing to do with you.

And the sooner you accept that truth, the easier it will be to pursue a connection with the next person without fear or insecurity.

You never learned how to deal with conflict

Conflict resolution is a skill that doesn’t come naturally to everyone. In fact, many people struggle in this department, to the detriment of their romantic, platonic, and professional relationships.

A few signs that you struggle to deal with conflict include:

• You tend to retreat, either physically or in your mind, when conflicts arise
• You would rather go along with what the other person is saying just to end the conflict
• You always think you’re right
• You keep your emotions bottled up to avoid conflict
• When emotions rise, you have a hard time expressing yourself
• You’re more interested in winning the argument than finding common ground
• You tend to say the first thing that comes to your mind during an argument, even if it’s hurtful or unfair
• You equate compromise with weakness
• You bring up past disagreements instead of focusing on the problem at hand

If you can see yourself in that list, it’s possible that your conflict style (or rather lack of conflict resolution skills) might be to blame for your past relationship breakdowns. Because the truth is, no relationship is entirely without conflict. There are going to be times when you disagree, when you both feel stressed, and when you have misunderstandings. And learning how to deal with those conflicts as a team instead of an individual player can make all the difference in the longevity of your relationship.

Learning how to navigate conflict is, undoubtedly, one of the hardest skills to improve on your own. Having the help of a neutral third party, such as a couples therapist or an individual therapist, can help you identify your conflict style and interrupt unhealthy patterns.

You don’t have a healthy support system

We tend to think of romantic relationships as little islands on their own. But the fact is, relationships benefit from each person having their own healthy support system, separate from their partner. Here’s why:

• Having a support system will help you to avoid relying on your partner for everything. If you see your partner as your best friend, your therapist, your caretaker, and your romantic interest, you’re putting too much pressure on one person. Instead, it’s okay to admit that different people can and should fulfill different needs in your life.
• Your support system can help you identify patterns of behavior. Friends, family members, or your therapist can notice things about you and your relationship that you might not have seen yourself.
• Spending time away from each other can strengthen the relationship. Being together 24 hours a day may seem amazing at first. But it can actually have a detrimental effect on your relationship. Spending time away from one another can make your relationship more exciting and healthy while keeping the spark alive.
• Maintaining a sense of self outside of the relationship is healthy and important. This is especially important for anyone who tends to lose themself in relationships.

You didn’t have examples of healthy love in your past

It’s worth noting that people who grew up without a loving, supportive household can struggle to form loving, supportive bonds in adulthood. But if this applies to you, don’t resign yourself to a loveless future. There are plenty of people who change generational patterns of unhappy and toxic relationships by:

• Reflecting on the impact that a lack of healthy love had on the way they show up in relationships in adulthood, such as creating anxiety around conflict or equating passion with love, etc.
• Seeking out healthy examples of love in their current life (i.e., friends in healthy relationships, realistic depictions of healthy love in media, etc.).
• Talking to a therapist about how to recognize and pursue green flag behavior instead of settling for red flag behavior in relationships.

If you identify with these signs that you’ll never find love, it’s time to make a change!

It can be a bit jarring to see yourself in a list of red flags in romantic relationships. But, don’t take it as a reason to give up on love altogether! Once you know what you might be doing to keep yourself from forming loving, positive connections with people, you can make small, deliberate changes to turn it around. To be sure, it will take courage, time, effort, and hopefully the support of your close loved ones. But, you’ll be rewarded with healthy, meaningful love that will make it all worth it!