The "Coming Out" Conversation: How (and If) to Tell Friends and Family About Your Sugar Relationship

Considering how to go about sugar dating disclosure with friends and family? It’s a delicate subject that can benefit from careful consideration!

It may help to remember that many, many people in the Bowl have had to go through the very same internal struggle. And in this article, we’re going to share some of the best communication tips and guidelines that can help you through it, too!

Let’s talk about how, when, and if you should talk about your sugaring lifestyle with friends and family.

Potential benefits of disclosing your lifestyle

As you’ve probably guessed, being able to open up about your sugaring lifestyle has a range of psychological and practical benefits, including:

Ending the psychological discomfort of secrecy

If you’re thinking about whether or not to tell your loved ones about your sugaring lifestyle, we can bet that you might already have been shouldering the burden of secrecy. And according to research, the psychological effects of concealment are significant. Secrets take up mental energy even when we’re not currently in the act of being secretive. In other words, the negative effects are present not only when you’re in the moment of lying to a loved one to cover up your sugar partner but also when you’re trying to fall asleep at night, making your morning coffee, etc. And long-term secret keeping is linked to lower well-being and life satisfaction.

Deepening emotional connection

On the flip side of secret-keeping is emotional vulnerability. And this has profound psychological benefits. Opening up to a loved one and having them accept and support what you’ve told them is a path towards emotional connection. Neurochemically speaking, this is a way to boost feel-good chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin. These neurotransmitters are responsible for making us feel warm, happy, confident, and safe, and can also help to lower feelings of pain and stress.

Finding someone to talk to about what you’re experiencing

Even though there are many people in the sugaring community, if you’re the only one you know in a sugar relationship, the experience can feel isolating. And this is even more true if no one in your close social circle knows that about your sugaring lifestyle at all.

Being able to talk about what you’re going through can help to alleviate feelings of isolation and loneliness, even if the person you open up to hasn’t had the same experience. Simply having someone be a witness to your experience is a powerful thing.

Being able to talk through issues with a third party

If you’re facing barriers in your sugar relationships, whether it’s issues with communication, shyness about negotiations, scheduling complications, or something else, being able to talk to a third party is hugely beneficial. Whether or not this person gives you advice, simply having the space to verbalize your frustrations and strategize possible solutions will make your sugar relationships healthier.

Normalizing of sugaring in general

This benefit has more to do with the sugaring community in general, but there’s something to be said about normalizing sugaring by getting comfortable talking about it. So much of what society at large thinks of sugaring comes from stereotypes and popular culture, so being able to share your lived experience can be a benefit to future generations of the sugaring community!

Allowing your loved ones to help with logistics

Finally, there is a list of practical benefits that come with sharing your sugaring lifestyle with a close family member or friend. For instance, they’ll be able to help you with certain safety measures, such as following your phone location to make sure your date is where your partner told you it would be. They can help you go shopping for new outfits before seeing your sugar partner. They can help to take care of your pets and your plants when you’re on a weekend getaway with your sugar partner. The list goes on.

Potential drawbacks and risks of sugar dating disclosure

To be sure, telling loved ones about your sugaring lifestyle can have potential negative effects to be aware of, such as:

Rejection and judgement

Something important to consider before disclosing your sugaring lifestyle to a loved one is that they could react poorly. They might judge you or belittle you for your decision. They might even enter into a state of denial by refusing to talk about it further or acknowledging what you’ve shared. This can lead to deep psychological pain, which can affect self-esteem and emotional well-being.

Othering

Even if your loved ones don’t choose the path of outright rejection, they may start to treat you differently through a process of othering. This could look like your close group of friends starting to exclude you from certain activities, because they assume that you’ll be busy with your sugar partner or won’t be interested in doing “regular” things now that they know about your lifestyle. Or, they may feel embarrassed to introduce you to certain people.

This process of isolation can create psychological distress.

Morbid fascination

Another common experience that many people in the sugar community have noted after sharing their lifestyle is a kind of tokenization process. In other words, because this is likely the first time that your loved ones have met someone in the sugaring community, they may feel emboldened to ask certain probing questions that make you feel uncomfortable. For example, they might want to know about physical intimacy or specific details about who your sugar partner is, how much allowance is involved, and what you do during your dates.

Although this is less blatantly negative than other reactions, it can also be a process of othering, as it can make you feel like an animal in the zoo.

Boundary crossing and meddling in your relationship

A loved one who feels very strongly that you shouldn’t be in a sugar relationship may feel compelled to interfere in your lifestyle in unhealthy ways. This can look like trying to reach out to your sugar partner or people your sugar partner knows, showing up during your dates, reading your messages, and other boundary-crossing behaviors.

Often, this kind of reaction is couched in the rationale of wanting to protect you, but ultimately, it is not healthy or supportive.

Legal repercussions

Although much less common than the other types of negative reactions we’ve covered here, there is a small risk of legal repercussions. For example, a loved one who reacts negatively may try to involve local law enforcement by defining your relationship as sex work. Or, if your sugar partner is married, they may try to gather evidence of your relationship to be used in divorce proceedings. As we’ll cover later in this article, there may also be legal complications with NDAs.

Again, this kind of reaction is drastic and uncommon, but it’s important to fully understand the extent of the risks of sugar dating disclosure before sharing your lifestyle with someone.

Deciding who to tell

Given the potential pros and cons of telling your loved ones about your sugar relationships, it’s time to carefully consider who you should tell and why. And, of course, only you will know who in your life is trustworthy and deserving of this information. But, if you’re looking for some guidance, ask yourself the following questions:

• What would the benefits be of telling this person about your lifestyle?
• Do the potential benefits of telling this person outweigh the potential negatives?
• How has this person treated you when you opened up to them in the past?
• Has this person shared emotional vulnerability with you in the past?
• Does this person tend to gossip or talk negatively about other people when they’re not around?
• Have you had conflict with this person in the past? How did you resolve it?
• Is this person generally open-minded, caring, and empathetic?
• Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries with this person?

If, after answering these questions, you feel confident that this person can accept your truth and support you, you can start putting together a plan for your sugar dating disclosure.

One more thing about deciding who to tell

Perhaps you have people in your life who don’t make you feel comfortable sharing your sugar dating experiences, and you feel guilty about keeping a secret from them. This is common and normal, and can feel very emotionally heavy.

That being said, remember that not everyone in your life deserves to have access to your privacy. You can make decisions that are in your best interest without feeling guilty about that. And you can choose to live without judgment or rejection from people who don’t understand those decisions. It can be difficult, but your emotional vulnerability should always be shared willingly, not out of guilt.

Timing and preparation

Once you’ve decided to tell key people in your life about your relationships, being mindful about the timing and preparation can be helpful. After all, you don’t want to spill the beans when you’re in the middle of a traffic jam or at a crowded concert. So, think about the following considerations about choosing your timing:

• Is there a time that you are normally one-on-one with this person? If not, how can you go about inviting a sit-down conversation with them?
• How public or private is your one-on-one time? Can you organize a get-together with more privacy, such as a walk in a not-so-crowded park or at your home? If either one of you has kids or lives with another person, can you arrange for some time to talk alone?

If you’re not sure how to bring up the idea of a one-on-one conversation like this, consider some of the following options:

• “It’s nothing to worry about, but I was hoping that we could have a one-on-one talk sometime soon.”
• “Do you have some time this week that we could catch up on something important that’s been going on with me?”
• “I would love to have some you-and-me time to talk about something that’s been on my mind lately.”

As you can see, you want to strike the right balance between not worrying your loved one but also letting them know that alone time would be important.

Deciding on the right amount of dating disclosure

Just because you’ve decided to open up about your lifestyle with a loved one doesn’t mean that you have to tell them every single detail about your relationships. So, before you go into your conversation, think about how much you would be comfortable sharing. Of course, you can decide for yourself how much you would like to disclose. But we would recommend that you carefully consider:

Protecting the privacy of your partners

Remember that while it is your decision whether or not to disclose your relationships to a loved one, it’s still respectful to your partner to protect their privacy. After all, telling your loved one about a sugar partner’s personal details, from work title to the kind of car they drive to how well-connected or well-known they are, could have implications for them.

Furthermore, if you’ve signed a non-disclosure agreement as part of your relationship, you’ll need to follow certain guidelines when it comes to disclosure. In general, you’ll be able to share your personal experiences, but if you start to share details about the other person, you could be putting yourself at legal risk.

If your friends push for details, you can say something along the lines of:

• “I can tell you about what the experience has been like for me, but I’d rather not tell you too much about my partner.”
• “Out of respect for my partner, I don’t want to go into detail about him/her.”

Setting boundaries that protect your own privacy

As we mentioned, one of the potential drawbacks of sharing your personal life with your loved ones is that they may want you to offer more details than you feel comfortable with. So, before you have the conversation with your friend or family member, consider how you’ll set that boundary to protect your own privacy. You might, for instance, say something like:

• “I appreciate your curiosity, but I would rather not get into details about that.”
• “I know you’ve got a lot of questions, but there are some things that I’d rather keep to myself.”

Putting together a script

When you do sit down to talk with your friend or family member, you might find that the exact words escape you. Luckily, you can avoid this normal response by thinking through a script beforehand. Consider these phrasing options:

• “I’m sharing this with you because I trust you and your opinion matters to me”
• “As you know, I’ve been looking for ways to build my financial independence, and one of the ways I’ve been doing that is through sugar dating.”
• “I know this might come as something of a shock, but I’ve found a partner whom I’ve been seeing recently and our relationship is a little bit unconventional.”
• “There’s something that I’ve been wanting to talk to you about because I’ve felt uncomfortable feeling like I’ve kept it a secret.”

After the initial introduction to the conversation, you might elaborate on your relationship by saying something like:

• “We met on a dating site and got to know each other for a while before meeting in person.”
• “We met on a recommendation of someone I know and trust, and we hit it off from the start. From there, we talked about what it would look like to build a long-term relationship.”
• “We agreed on certain terms from the start that make sure that we’re both happy and well-cared-for in the relationship.”
• “I know it may look weird from the outside, but we’ve been able to create a kind of relationship that works well for both of us.”

Again, you don’t need to share too many details here. But, if your loved one is struggling to understand what a sugar relationship is, you can explain it by saying something along the lines of:

• “Basically, sugar dating means that we enjoy spending time with one another and can bring certain benefits to the relationship, but we don’t want to become involved emotionally.”
• “Sugar dating means that we are honest about what we want from the relationship and have an interest in keeping one another happy.”
• “For me, sugar dating is a less complicated version of traditional dating or friends with benefits. I get to tell my partner exactly what I want and then we go back and forth about how to make that happen.”
• “I wanted a partner who could take care of me and treat me well, but without commitment or jealousy or hurt feelings that come with a romantic connection.”

To be sure, for these explanations to ring true, you’ll want to tailor them to your unique definition of sugar dating. When you’re able to clearly express what brought you to sugaring and what you enjoy about it, your loved one will have an easier time understanding and accepting the concept.

Responding to sugar dating disclosure reactions

So far, you’ve done a lot of prep work to approach the conversation thoughtfully. And this will go a long way towards managing any anxiety you might be feeling about talking to your loved ones. But the truth is, you can’t 100% plan for how your friend or family member will react when you tell them you’re in a sugar relationship. But, even here, there are a few techniques you can remember as you receive their reaction:

Thank them for listening

A great way to wrap up your sugar dating disclosure is to simply thank this person for being in your life and listening to you when you have something important to share. This can help to set the tone for any response they may have.

This might look like:

• “I wanted to share this with you because you’re important to me and I’m grateful that I have someone like you in my life that I can come to with things like this.”
• “I know that you probably have some questions, but I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for listening and being here for me.”

Give them the space to process their feelings

Everyone needs their own timeline for processing their feelings. Some people will be completely accepting of your sugar dating disclosure immediately. Others may need some time to think about how they feel before responding. Having this time built into your conversation can take the pressure off them, so they don't feel like they have to respond in the moment.

Tell them, for instance, “I understand that this is a lot to take in. We can talk about it later if you need some time to process.”

Understand that anger is often an emotion that hides other emotions

Anger can be a very difficult emotion to receive after being emotionally vulnerable with someone. And as we’ll cover in a moment, you don’t have to be on the receiving end of someone’s verbal abuse. That being said, if you’re struggling with the fact that your loved one seems angry with you, keep in mind that anger is often a shield for much more vulnerable and difficult emotions.

Your loved one, for instance, might be outwardly angry, but internally hurt that you didn’t tell them sooner. Or, they may angrily tell you that you need to stop sugaring, but that’s a defense mechanism because they’re worried that you’re putting yourself in danger.

Don’t put yourself through unnecessary suffering

No matter what someone’s emotional reaction is, there’s no excuse for them to make you feel judged, rejected, or bad about yourself. And you’ll need to decide for yourself how to balance being there with them while they process their emotions and protecting your own wellbeing. If someone’s reaction starts to veer off into verbal abuse, it’s entirely appropriate to say, “I don’t feel comfortable with the way that you’re talking to me, so I’m going to step away and we can talk about this when you’re calm.”

Sugar dating disclosure can be scary, but it can also be worth it

As we’ve covered here, there are both potential pros and cons to opening up about your sugar dating experience. But remember that, as anxiety-inducing as it can be to think about disclosing your lifestyle to friends and family, living with the secret and putting off having hard conversations can be worse.

So, keep these techniques and pieces of advice in mind and prioritize your own well-being as you go through your sugar dating disclosure process!