"My Friend is a Sugar Baby": A Guide to Supporting a Loved One in the Lifestyle

If you learned recently that your friend is a sugar baby, you might have been wondering how to support them. How can you ask questions without coming off as rude? How can you support them without making them feel judged? And is there any way that you can share your thoughts without appearing controlling?

The fact that you’re looking for advice means that you’re already on the right path towards being the kind of supportive person your friend might need and appreciate. So, let’s talk about some evidence-based and expert-approved forms of communication for you to navigate your relationship with your sugar baby friend!

First of all, do some exploration on your own

One thing that can be overwhelming for sugar babies is having to explain to their loved ones all about the world of sugaring. And, it’s understandable that you would have questions! You might be wondering what your friend’s sugar relationship looks like, what your friend has agreed to, and what kind of compensation is involved. So, let’s think about how you can get started in grappling with some of these curiosities.

For starters, you can get a basic understanding of what sugaring is like from reputable sources like sugar dating websites or online forums. Within these online communities, you can get a sense of what is typically included in a sugar relationship and what other sugar babies in your area are discussing in terms of allowance, common practices, current sugar dating scams, and even certain people to look out for. If you have questions, this might also be a good place to start (as long as you keep in mind that not everyone on the internet is kind or knowledgeable.)

Now, once you’ve done a little bit of digging on your own, this is a good moment to ask yourself: what kinds of assumptions had you made about sugar dating before researching it? Were any of your previous beliefs put into question or supported? What information made you feel uncomfortable and why? This kind of self-reflection will help in the next step.

Finally, it’s important to acknowledge that you don’t actually have to know everything about the sugar relationship to support your friend. After all, you don’t ask for every intimate detail about your other friends’ traditional relationships to be there when they call you after a fight or need to vent. So, while it can be helpful to understand some of the basics of sugaring, avoid asking overly intimate questions like:

• Do you two have sex?
• How much is your allowance?
• Is your sugar daddy married?
• Does your sugar daddy have other sugar babies?
• What is your age difference?
• What kinds of gifts have you received?
• What living costs does your sugar daddy cover?

To be sure, if your sugar baby friend wants to share these details with you, by all means, you can explore these topics. But resist bombarding your friend with these overly personal questions out of nowhere.

Get really clear about some judgments, beliefs, concerns, and other emotions you may be holding

Without taking a look at your own limiting beliefs and opinions, you’ll likely find it hard to be the non-judgmental person that your sugar baby will want to open up to. So, even if you might feel a little bit ashamed to admit it to yourself, explore some assumptions or expectations that you might have about sugaring, such as:

• All sugar daddies are dangerous people
• Sugaring is morally wrong
• Sugaring is objectifying
• Sugar dating is all about sex
• Your friend should “get a real job.”
• Sugar dating is embarrassing for sugar babies
• Sugar daddies can’t get a traditional girlfriend
• All sugar babies want to eventually get out of the lifestyle

If you have these ideas about sugaring, you likely got them from portrayals of sugar dating in popular media or maybe from hearing people in your life speak about someone they suspect to be sugaring. But the more that you have genuine conversations with people who have first-hand experience, you’ll see that these assumptions are far from reality.

Ask your friend how you can support them

Once you’ve done some self-reflection and basic research on your own, it’s time to reach out to your friend. And by far, one of the best jumping-off points you can use is simply asking how you can help. Your sugar baby friend might, for instance, need someone who can:

• Listen without judgment so that they can work through their own thoughts and experiences.
• Help them rehearse what they might say during negotiations.
• Go shopping with them for first date outfits.
• Be available for them if they need to call someone to pick them up from a date.
• Be available on the date for check-ins.
• Keep an eye on their phone location to make sure that everything is normal

Exactly what your friend will need will be personal to them, so be open to their suggestions. Keep in mind, also, that people who have become accustomed to taking care of themselves may struggle to ask for help. It’s perfectly fine to offer some of the specific suggestions we’ve included here, but don’t take it personally if they say no.

If you have concerns, ask your friend for a sit-down

If your friend is a sugar baby, you might have some legitimate concerns for their well-being. And it’s okay to express your worries and opinions in a way that is supportive and loving. Here are a few ways to broach the subject without alienating your friend:

Limit distractions by setting your phones aside

Research shows that the distraction of a phone screen can negatively impact empathy, connection, and effective communication. So, make sure that you put your phone down and request that your friend do the same.

Have a script ready to talk about how you’re feeling

Emotional conversations can make many people freeze up and forget what they were going to say. So, it can be helpful to have notes or a script written out beforehand. You might say something like,

• “I admire that you’re taking steps in your life to become more financially independent. And as someone who cares about you, I need to tell you some of the things that are giving me pause.”
• “I support your decision to do this, and at the same time, I want you to be safe and healthy. So I was hoping we could talk about…”
• “I know that at the end of the day, you can make the decisions that are right for you. At the same time, as your friend, I would regret not telling you about my concerns.”

As you can see, these are neutral, loving ways to approach a subject without using combative or accusatory language.

Allow them time to process and respond to what you’re saying

It can take time for a message to sink in, so don’t be surprised if your friend is quiet or even appears to be closed off after you’ve said your piece. It might even be helpful to offer your friend some time apart, be it a fifteen-minute break while you go out for coffee for both of you or a longer amount of time, so that they can process on their own.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should pretend like the conversation never happened. Instead, you might say something like, “I want us to come back to this conversation, but I also understand that you might need time to think about what I’ve said. So, how do you feel about checking in again in [amount of time]?”

Be prepared for a rocky landing

It can be tough to receive a reaction that goes against your expectations, especially if you and your friend have different opinions or your friend becomes upset by you raising your concerns. If this is the case, tell your friend that you love and respect them and want to support them, not alienate them.

Often, reiterating how much the friendship means to you can be enough to make sure that difficult conversations don’t lead to distancing between the two of you.

Steer clear of tough love

One thing that we sometimes see with friends of people in the sugaring community is the use of “tough love” to get a point across.

Let’s say, for instance, that you think that your friend should dump her sugar daddy because you think she deserves someone better. So, you tell your friend that, unless she breaks up with him, you’re going to stop offering to pick her up from dates, and you refuse to hear her talk about him anymore.

Now, this might seem like a reasonable response. But, isolating your friend in this way might actually make it more difficult for her to leave him, as she’s now lacking the social support that would give her the strength to go through a break-up. She might also be dealing with self-esteem issues that are worsened by being criticized by her friend.

Instead, it’s much more effective to seek out alternatives to the tough love approach. For example, you might ask your friend what is preventing her from leaving him, which might lead to you learning that he’s been covering her rent and she’s worried about losing her apartment. With more understanding, you’ll be in a better position to offer useful solutions from a place of love and care.

Trust your friend’s experience and perspective

As we mentioned, many of the ideas that people have outside of the sugaring community are incorrect or incomplete. But this is your chance to hear from someone with first-hand experience of what it’s like to be a sugar baby. So, one of the best things that you can do as a friend is listen and try to understand their perspective. If you’d like to become a better listener for your friend, try some of these evidence-backed techniques for better communication:

• Listen without interrupting
• Make eye contact
• Use open body language
• Ask neutral, clarifying questions, such as “Am I understanding you right? What I’m hearing is…” or “Do you feel comfortable talking more about that?”
• Validate your friend’s emotions. You don’t have to agree with everything that your friend says to validate their emotions. For instance, you can say something like, “I can imagine that would be hard for you,” or “I can’t imagine what I would have done in that situation.”
• Thank them for opening up to you. It’s not easy to get vulnerable with someone, even a close friend. So, always make sure to acknowledge how much you appreciate their honesty.

Don’t forget to just be normal

What we mean by this is that even though your friend might be entering the world of sugar dating, that doesn’t mean that they’re suddenly a different person. Indeed, your friend might benefit from continuing to have you in their life as a way to relax, enjoy their life outside of sugaring, and just be normal. So, when the two of you are together, don’t hyperfixate on their new role as a sugar baby. Instead, plan activities that you’ve always done together, talk about things other than sugaring, be present, and enjoy your time together!

Case studies for supporting friends in the sugaring community

Curious to see what the skills and tips we’ve covered in this article would look like in practice? Here are a few case studies to see what it’s really like to have a friend as a sugar baby!

Madison and Carli

Madison and Carli have been friends since second grade and have remained close over the years, even though they’re currently attending different colleges. Over FaceTime, Madison shares with Carli that she’s thinking of becoming a sugar baby as a way to reduce her debt once she graduates.

Carli instantly becomes upset and ridicules Madison’s decision. Madison responds by telling Carli that she doesn’t understand because her family pays for everything. The two ended the call hurt and angry.

After a couple of days, Carli talks to her therapist about Madison and how she can’t believe that her friend could be so stupid. To her surprise, Carli’s therapist doesn’t agree with her. Instead, she asks Carli to consider the situation from Madison’s perspective and asks whether Madison might be in an even more difficult position now that she has to deal with the stress of debt without the support of her best friend. Madison, Carli’s therapist, reminds her that she is an adult and will make her own decisions regardless of Carli’s opinion. But if Carli wants to maintain the friendship and support Madison, it might be worth listening to her without judgment and asking her how she can help Madison stay safe.

Carli calls Madison and apologizes for reacting so strongly, to which Madison replies that she knows those emotions came from a place of love and care. Madison tells Carli that they don’t have to agree about sugar dating, but that it would mean a lot to her if Carli could still be there for her to talk.

Cam and Clarke

Cam has always been supportive of his friend and roommate Clarke’s sugar relationships, even though it meant that they see less of each other on the weekends. He’s seen that Clarke has become a more confident version of himself and doesn’t struggle as much as he did in the past with getting the rent in on time and contributing to living expenses around the apartment. Still, it hasn’t always been smooth sailing.

Once, Cam woke up to a random stranger in his living room, who turned out to be Clarke’s new sugar daddy. They had only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, and apparently, the new sugar daddy needed somewhere to go when his wife kicked him out of the house.

Cam was a bit torn because he wanted to support Clarke, but this also felt unsafe and inappropriate. He decided that he wouldn’t confront Clarke in the moment in front of his sugar daddy, but would bring it up when the two of them were alone together.

It turns out, Cam didn’t have to go out of his way to bring it up. As soon as the sugar daddy left, Clarke told Cam how sorry he was and that he would let his sugar daddy know that he would not be allowed back to their apartment in the future. He also thanked Cam for not starting a fight at the moment, as that could have made the situation much worse. Cam thanked his friend and then asked how Clarke felt about the whole situation. Clarke felt embarrassed and a little bit freaked out about what had happened, so the two friends took the time to troubleshoot how Clarke would deal with the situation and set boundaries with his sugar daddy.

How will you react if you learn your friend is a sugar baby?

In this article, we’ve talked about how you can be a supportive friend to a person in the sugaring community. Along with the love and care that you have for your friend, the skills and techniques we’ve shared here will help you maintain a happy, healthy relationship with your sugar baby friend!