The Importance of Shared Values in Long-Term Compatibility

According to many dating experts, shared values in relationships are one of the most important indicators of a healthy, long-term bond. But how can you be sure that you and your partner are aligned in your core beliefs? And is it possible to overcome a lack of shared values?

In this article, we’re going to consider what role values play in relationships and how you can get in touch with your moral compass to find the right partner.

What are values, and why do they matter?

The word value is a bit vague, so before we dive into values in relationships, let's talk about some basic ethics philosophy!

A simple definition of values is a set of beliefs that are central to our identity. We use our values to decide what course of action to take and to guide us as we interact with the world around us. And they give us a sense of stability and centeredness when we can live by them. According to research, being able to realize our inner values is correlated with higher mental health scores and life satisfaction.

Values can be held individually or in a community. And in fact, being able to share them with others gives us a profound sense of connection and safety.

Some examples of values include:

• Honesty
• Kindness
• Community-building
• Fairness
• Independence
• Financial stability
• Integrity
• Humor
• Playfulness
• Generosity
• Responsibility
• Accountability
• Authenticity
• Resilience
• Curiosity
• Gratitude
• Empathy
• Courage
• Openness to change

As you can see, there are many kinds of values that a person can embody. But in general, each of us has a handful that we use as our core guiding principles. In sum, we use these values to be able to tell the difference between right and wrong. And as such, we may prioritize some values over others.

What happens when we live in opposition to our values?

One of the ways that we know how important values are to a person’s identity and mental health is what happens when we live in conflict with those values. Mental health experts have noted that clients who live in opposition to their inner values often experience a phenomenon called cognitive dissonance. This psychological state, which is brought on by conflicting beliefs held simultaneously, is often characterized by low self-esteem, doubt, insecurity, stress, ruminating or cyclical thoughts, avoidance, withdrawal, isolation, and negative self-talk.

Cognitive dissonance can show up in several ways, but here are some examples:

• Stacy has been offered a well-paying job with great benefits and flexible hours. But her new role requires her to take a disciplinary approach with her subordinates, which she finds uncomfortable and out of character. What is more, she doesn’t completely agree with the strict protocol of her new company, making it even harder for her to punish employees who don’t follow the rules.
• Kevin has been dating a woman whom he’s crazy about for the last six months. And, as their relationship has developed, Kevin has gotten to know and care for her twelve-year-old daughter. But, as time has gone on, Kevin has become increasingly more uncomfortable with the way that his partner talks to her daughter, often using insults and negative comments. He does not want to undermine his partner’s relationship with her daughter, but he also does not want to sit back and allow for this type of verbal abuse to continue.

These are just two examples of how value misalignment can negatively impact a person’s inner peace.

Can values change?

Not only does a person have the capacity to change their values, but values tend to change naturally over the course of our lives.

When we’re young, we might value things like friendship, freedom, and curiosity over all else. But, as we age, our values might shift to become more family-oriented or focused on career fulfillment. Likewise, a big life event, such as the loss of a family member or moving to another country, can cause a reassessment of values.

It’s also possible to change your values intentionally with self-awareness, reflection, and coaching. Individual, group, or couples therapy, for instance, can be powerful spaces for exploring values.

What are the benefits of shared values in relationships?

Now that we have a good understanding of what values are and what they mean to us as individuals, let’s turn back to the key question of this article: What is the role of shared values in relationships? There are a few key benefits to having shared values with a partner, such as:

• Establishing mutual respect. Our personal values are intimately connected with our sense of morality and ethics, which is why we tend to respect people who share those values. After all, you can imagine how difficult it might be to respect a partner who is frugal with their money if you value generosity.
• Building trust. Trust is another big benefit of shared values. In other words, when we see our core values reflected in a partner, we get a sense of how they will approach life and make certain decisions. For example, if both of you value honesty, you can trust that you will talk through problems as they come up instead of pulling away.
• Being able to solve problems together. Speaking of problems, conflict resolution and overcoming external challenges are typically easier with someone who shares your value system. That’s because you can know that you’re both operating from a place of shared values instead of self-interest.
• Being aligned with future planning. Some values speak directly to what we envision for the future and long-term goals. For instance, partners who both value family might prioritize saving up to cover the cost of raising children. Similarly, relationships that value open-mindedness and curiosity might make time for taking classes together or planning future travels.
• Overall compatibility and connection. Even more than overlapping interests and hobbies, shared values give us a sense of connection on a deep emotional level.

Examples of opposing values and shared values in relationships

To give us more context for what it looks like when couples share values or hold opposing values, let’s take a look at some examples:

Chris and Kim

Chris and Kim started dating in high school and have since married and had two kids together. When they first met each other, they hadn’t really thought about their core values, but had some shared beliefs around things like honesty, fairness, and social justice.

As their kids got old enough to start asking questions about the world, Kim realized that she and her husband were not on the same page about a lot of philosophical questions. She started to resent the fact that Chris was teaching the kids certain ideas about the world that she didn’t agree with. And it made her feel even worse when her kids started to repeat what they heard from their dad in front of her parents and friends.

Kim decided that she wanted to clarify to her kids that there are different ways of thinking about the world so that they can decide on their own core beliefs for themselves. This has caused a few arguments between her and Chris, but Kim feels much less discomfort and internal strife now that she’s started to stick up for her own core values.

Ryan and Josh

Ryan and Josh grew up in completely different communities in terms of political beliefs, religious influence, and cultural backgrounds. So, they expected that when they started dating, they were going to clash on a number of different topics. But much to their surprise, they aligned on most things: a sense of care, empathy, open-mindedness, and honesty. They might have disagreed on some things, such as how to fold laundry properly or whether they should vote for this candidate or that, but in general, they felt a deep sense of connection.

Still, it was a bit of a test when Ryan visited Josh’s family for the first time for Thanksgiving. He secretly thought that maybe Josh would slip into some old patterns when he was surrounded by his family.

Again, Ryan was pleasantly surprised! Even though Josh’s family didn’t have the same life experiences, they treated their new son-in-law with open curiosity and a willingness to understand and empathize.

Over the years, Ryan never lost sight of how valuable it was to be included in Josh’s family. When Josh and Ryan went through difficult moments, like when they had to move suddenly out of their apartment, it felt like they could rely on the family to help them out both practically and emotionally.

Exercises for finding out if you and your partner have shared values

Clearly, shared values are an asset in a relationship. But how can you know whether you and your partner are aligned? Let’s discuss a few exercises that you can try with your special someone to explore values in your relationship!

Exercise #1: Make a list

One of the simplest ways to know if you and your partner have shared values is with a little bit of self-reflection. Each of you is going to come up with a list of 3 to 5 of your most important values and how they’ve shaped who you are as a person. Do this separately and then come together to discuss afterwards.

As you go through your lists together, ask yourself:

• Which of your values are aligned?
• Are there values that overlap even if they aren’t exactly the same ones?
• Do you notice any opposing values, such as independence versus connection or religious beliefs versus atheism? How do you reconcile these in the relationship?

Exercise #2: Disentangle values and opinions

This exercise can bring some levity to conversations about shared values by differentiating between core beliefs and individual quirks. After all, the two of you can have very different ideas about the world and still have shared values, and separating the two can help to add perspective. Keep this in mind as you ask the following questions:

• (Opinion) Does pineapple belong on pizza?
• (Value) If your partner and a close family member call you at the same time, who is going to be put on hold?
• (Opinion) Is there a correct way to load the dishwasher?
• (Value) What is the right way to split up housework?
• (Opinion) Is it better to be a morning person or a night person?
• (Value) Can you be friends with someone of opposing political beliefs?
• (Opinion) Should dogs sleep on the bed?
• (Value) Do you give up your seat on a crowded bus?
• (Opinion) Who has the better taste in music?
• (Value) What is the most valuable lesson you learned from your parents?
• (Opinion) What is the best way to spend a day off?
• (Value) What does a work-life balance mean to you?
• (Opinion) Who is the better driver?
• (Value) Is it okay to lie to someone in order to save their feelings?

As you can see, there are pretty big differences between your individual preferences (i.e., your opinions about music, cleaning habits, and food) and your core beliefs (i.e., your thoughts on family, morality, career, etc.) After all, it will be easier to navigate small differences in opinions than opposing core beliefs.

To be sure, there may be some grey areas and overlap in these areas, too. For example, someone may see their taste in music as more than just an opinion if they’ve made their career as a professional musician. The idea, though, is to practice differentiating between the things we like and the things that are deeply important to us.

Exercise #3: Write your vows

You may not be thinking about marriage with your partner, or maybe you’re already married! But this exercise can be helpful either way. That’s because writing down vows for how you want to show up in a relationship is a powerful way to reveal your personal values. You can even think of them as promises or a mission statement for your relationship if you don’t like the idea of vows.

The idea, here, is not to write the most poetic or beautiful speech your partner has ever heard. Instead, think practically and simply about how you want to care for your partner and the relationship. This can be as small as making their favorite soup when they’re sick (generosity, care) or telling them nicely when they have something in their teeth (honesty, kindness, empathy).

Exercise #4: Future planning

Another way to think creatively about your shared values can be to engage in an exercise in imagination. The idea is: if money were not an option, what would your life look like in ten years? Think carefully about the following considerations:

• Where in the world would you live?
• Would you own a home? What would it look like?
• What would your relationship with your family be like?
• What would your favorite room in your home be?
• What kind of activities or hobbies would you do in your free time?
• Where would you find purpose in your life?
• What would your career look like?
• Would you be involved in a particular community?
• What would you want your legacy to be?

While many of these questions are grounded in practical considerations, they can say a lot about what you and your partner value.

Exercise #5: Consider hypotheticals

Hypothetical scenarios can be another good way for you and a partner to see whether you align in your values. Consider the following situations and then talk about how you might navigate them:

• In the case of a house evacuation, what three things would you grab?
• You notice that someone on your team at work has been falling behind in their responsibilities, and it’s starting to affect the entire office. You can tell that some people are sympathetic and willing to pull up the slack. Others are getting frustrated. What do you do?
• You have to eliminate every holiday except one. Which one do you keep, and why is it so important to you?
• If you were to be the mayor of your town for one day with unlimited power and resources, what would you want to accomplish? This can also be done on a higher level!
• You’ve learned something about your partner’s past that you know could be deeply upsetting to them, but it has no impact on their current or future life. It’s also not something that changes your opinion of them. Do you tell them?

Tips for shared value exercises

Going through these exercises with a partner can be a great way to spark conversations around shared values. But values are deeply personal, so talking about them can get emotional! That’s why it’s also a good idea to set the following guidelines for constructive and supportive conversations:

• Don’t interrupt. Talking about values requires a deep level of self-reflection that many people aren’t used to. So, it can take some people extra time to work through their thoughts. Give your partner the space to come to their own conclusions without interruption.

• Withhold snap judgments. Fundamental beliefs tend to be quite complex, so allow your partner the opportunity to explain their values fully. Let’s say, for instance, that your partner tells you one of their core values is independence. Your first assumption might be that they want time alone or to be able to make decisions without help. But for them, independence might mean having a stable enough job not to have to rely on family members or credit. If you find yourself making these kinds of judgements, consider asking neutral, clarifying questions instead.

• Don’t fall into black-and-white thinking. Because values are so near and dear to our sense of identity, you might find yourself feeling upset if your partner doesn’t align with you on your beliefs. But remember that this is not an all-or-nothing kind of situation. You and your partner may align on many values and disagree on one, and that doesn’t mean that you’re not compatible.

• Take breaks. Wading through emotional self-reflection is tiring work! So, make sure that you take plenty of breaks, especially if things are feeling very serious or overwhelming.

What to do when you and your partner don’t share values

In this article, we’ve talked a lot about the importance of shared values in relationships. But what should you do if you find that you and your partner are far apart on many core beliefs? This can be a tricky situation to be in, so consider the options at your disposal:

Try activities that foster bonding

Although you and your partner may already spend quality time together, there are certain activities that tend to foster deeper bonding. These activities can help you connect over shared priorities:

• Community service work.
• Home-improvement projects.
• Family gatherings.
• Festivities for cultural or religious holidays.
• Learning opportunities, such as taking classes together.
• Health-focused activities, such as exercise or group sports.
• A couple's trip or retreat.

Ask yourself if the values you disagree on are deal-breakers

Some couples can learn to live with different core values. For instance, some relationships can exist in which one partner is religious and the other isn’t, or in which partners have different political beliefs.

But it will be important for you to decide for yourself whether the values that are incongruent in the relationship are dealbreakers for you. You might find, for example, that you can’t respect someone who doesn’t share your commitment to honesty and integrity. Or, you might not be able to find common ground with someone who doesn’t share your future goals of starting a family or building the kind of financial stability you’re looking for.

At the end of the day, you’ll know whether you’re willing to overlook certain discrepancies in values or whether they’ll be insurmountable.

Tap into whether there’s cognitive dissonance in the relationship

Okay, maybe you read that last sentence about deciding whether you can overlook a lack of shared values and thought to yourself, “Actually, I don’t know how to make that distinction.”

One way that you can reflect on this further is to ask yourself whether being with this person is creating cognitive dissonance for you.

Remember that cognitive dissonance happens when you’re living in opposition to your core beliefs or attempting to hold more than one opposing belief at the same time. Some of the symptoms to look out for include,

• Feeling an inner sense of discomfort and angst.
• Questioning your integrity.
• An increase in feelings of stress and anxiety, which can manifest physically.
• Feeling inauthentic, especially around people whose opinions you value most.
• Feeling compelled to hide parts of your relationship from other people out of a sense of shame.
• Wondering whether you’re setting a good example for your kids or other younger members of your family.
• Constant overthinking about the relationship.
• Coming up with rationales to try to reconcile the opposing beliefs.

These are signs not only that you and your partner are not in alignment over your values but that you’re also feeling compelled to compromise on your values in order to be in the relationship.

Consider couples therapy

Couples therapy may be an appropriate avenue for some relationships to be able to continue dating even without shared values. In general, therapy should offer the chance to:

• Allow each person to express why their values are so important to them.
• Identify any areas that each partner may be willing and able to change.
• Find overlap and similarities in core beliefs.
• Build techniques that allow for differences in values without cognitive dissonance.

To be sure, couples therapy won’t fix every relationship in which partners have drastically different belief systems. But it can be worth trying for couples who want to stay together.

Walk away if it’s right for you

Cognitive dissonance is a warning sign that your identity and sense of morality are being compromised because of your current situation. So, it makes sense that a lot of people would choose not to stay in a relationship in which their inner values are not fully realized.

If you decide that it’s time to end your relationship, do so without guilt. You deserve to be in a partnership in which you feel authentic.

What are your thoughts on shared values in relationships?

Now that we’ve covered the topic in depth, it’s time for you to consider what role you feel shared values should play in your personal life! Do you think that partners can make it through even without shared values? Or is a shared set of core beliefs essential for a healthy relationship?

At the end of the day, you can decide whether shared values in relationships are non-negotiable or whether it’s possible to maintain a relationship with differing views.