The Arm Candy Arrangement: How a Platonic Sugar Relationship Helped Me Conquer Social Anxiety

There’s something that’s been difficult for me to articulate for many years, but I’m going to try to figure it out here. So, try not to judge me too harshly before you hear the whole thing.

First of all, I’m what you would call conventionally attractive. I’m very tall, everyone in my family is athletic, we’ve all got blue eyes and blonde hair.

I’m not saying any of this to brag. Really, I’m not. It’s important to start here because a lot of people assume that my life is super easy because I’m pretty. And yes, I would say that there are some advantages, for sure.

But, something that doesn’t get a lot of acknowledgement is that it’s always felt so weird to me to be the center of attention. I really hate it. It makes me feel awkward and self-conscious. I don’t want people to stare at me the moment I walk into a room. I don’t want people to judge how I walk or what I wear. It’s always been overwhelming to me.

And when it comes to my dating life? A disaster. Guys don’t actually care about what I have to say or what I want. They just want to be with me for a little while to boost their own ego. And then they leave me for the “down-to-earth” girl who isn’t out of their league.

I know, I know. Boo-hoo, you’re thinking. The pretty girl is too pretty. But if you were to take a little bit of time to get to know me, you’d see that I’m really shy. I tend to slouch because I don’t want to be the tallest girl in the room. I don’t wear makeup. I don’t stand up for myself.

Putting my dating life aside, where I felt like my appearance was actually getting in the way, was in academics. Throughout high school, I knew that my teachers were pretty lax with me. They didn’t push me. I don’t know, maybe they didn’t think I was going to college anyway, so they just gave me good enough grades to get through.

But the fact is, I did have dreams of going to college. I had my parents hire a tutor so that I could do well on the SATs. I studied hard. I applied to top colleges, and I got in.

Once I got to college, though, I realized that the whole “give her a good grade because she’s pretty and nice and trying her best” routine wasn’t going to work at this level. It was almost the opposite. Like, I felt like my professors resented me for being pretty. They graded me harshly. They didn’t respond kindly to my questions in lectures. It was a rude awakening, for sure. And I struggled.

I remember trying to join a study group of girls from my chemistry class, and they reluctantly let me join. But one of the girls left her phone face up on the table once, and I was able to see that she had saved me in her phone as “frat girl Barbie.” I wasn’t even in Greek life. I stopped showing up to the study groups and switched lectures to a different time.

My feelings were really hurt, but I thought, “Well, if they only see me as a ‘frat girl,’ maybe I should join a sorority.” And honestly, there’s a lot that I could complain about as far as the sorority scene goes at my school. But it was also one of the only places on campus that I felt accepted. I wasn’t into partying, so I was still a little bit of an outsider, but at least no one here assumed that I wasn’t smart.

One of my closest friends in the sorority, Kara, saw that I struggled with social anxiety. She was constantly trying to invite me out so that I could get over my fear of meeting new people. But I often said no to her.

“What are you going to do when it’s time to start networking for a job, Bree?” she said once, and it unlocked a whole new fear in me. She was right. I was totally unprepared for that.

I mulled it over for a few weeks and then finally went back to Kara and told her that I was spiraling about what she said.

She put her hands on my shoulders and told me, “I know exactly what we can do to get you ready for the real world.”

And that’s how I became arm candy for a man whom we’ll call Curtis. See, a few of the girls in the sorority were already in the world of sugaring and were finding partners who were offering mentorship and introducing them to hiring recruiters in their fields. My friend Kara said that this could be just the opportunity I needed to build my confidence and get better at talking to powerful people. She also assured me that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do and that she would be right by the phone in case I wanted to dip out early.

I was open to (and to be honest, kind of terrified) of the idea, but I agreed to meet Curtis. We agreed to have coffee near campus so that he could tell me about what he was expecting.

To my huge relief, Curtis was super nice and outgoing. He instantly made me feel relaxed and told me that he would rather we keep things platonic. What he needed, he told me kind of shyly, was a companion who could attend a work mixer the following weekend. He needed someone who could keep up with conversations about genetics or at least not look too bored.

“Are you kidding?” I told him, “You’re going to have to keep me from getting totally starstruck. I love genetics.”

He laughed, and we arranged for a car to come pick me up the following Saturday for the event.

“Look,” he added before we said goodbye. “I don’t want to be too pushy, and I want to be totally honest with you. I want to make a good impression on these people. I haven’t met most of them, and the idea is that if I show up with a confident, beautiful girl like you, it’ll make them do a double-take. Do you think that you can dress up a bit and, you know, command a room? Just talking to you for this short time, I’m sure you’re used to that. You’re a stunner.”

My insecurities shot to the surface, but I felt comfortable with Curtis. I told him the truth. “Maybe I’m not the girl you’re looking for,” I told him. “I’m kind of awkward. I’m not great in social settings.”

He shook his head, “No, no, I didn’t mean to make you doubt yourself. I just mean, do you mind wearing something, you know, classy but attention-grabbing? If you do that and you stand by my side and you know, chime in on the conversation every once in a while, then that’s the magic. That’s all you need to do. I’ll take care of the rest.”

I was still hesitant, but I said yes. I knew that the girls at the sorority would help me get ready. That wasn’t going to be the problem. If there was going to be a problem, it would be me.

As it turned out, I shouldn’t have been hesitant. The girls came through for me and made me look like an absolute model. And Curtis was at the curb outside waiting for my car to arrive.

As he said he would be, he was there for me all evening long. He introduced me to everyone so that I never felt out of the loop. He asked me questions to make sure I was part of the conversation. And whenever it was just the two of us, he told me how great I was doing and to just keep on exactly how I was.

To be honest, after a while, I didn’t need the encouragement anymore. I was genuinely connecting with Curtis’s colleagues. I could tell that they were surprised to see someone like me have thoughtful opinions about their work, but the truth is, I had read a lot of their published articles already. I assumed that they were surprised because I looked like a dumb blonde, but instead, one of Curtis’s coworkers said, “It’s refreshing to see someone your age have such a nuanced understanding of what we do. I feel like I’m talking to one of the future leaders of the field.”

By the time Curtis brought me home, I was walking on air. And I was thanking Curtis profusely. He practically had to usher me out of the car, because I was blabbing on and on about how grateful I was for the opportunity.

“Don’t thank me,” he said, “Your friend Kara knew that this would be the perfect event for you. And she was right. Would it be all right if I invited you to the next mixer? Same arrangement?”

I was speechless.

Curtis laughed. “This is where you’re supposed to say, ‘Yes, but only after we renegotiate my allowance.’ Don’t worry, we’ll work on you knowing your worth.”

Clearly, there was a lot more to learn. But this was a major step in my self-confidence. When I got inside, I gave Kara a huge hug.