The Emotional Toll of Secrecy in Sugar Dating

I first started sugar dating when I was in college, as a way to have some income on the side without having to get one of those highly coveted on-campus jobs that pay horribly. And, at first, I didn’t feel like I had to hide it, actually. I wasn’t the only person in my friend group with a sugar daddy, and the ones who didn’t have one would talk all the time about how much they wanted one. So, I didn’t have any shame around it.

But then I graduated and moved to a city closer to my hometown to start an internship in marketing. It was a huge transition, one that I didn’t feel totally prepared for. And, when everything felt hard: finding friends, dealing with roommates, navigating an unfamiliar public transport system, feeling a new pressure to visit my family on the weekends, sugaring actually felt easy and familiar. It was nice to have someone pick me up from the office and take me to a restaurant where the reservations were already made. Conversations with my sugar daddies always felt like an escape, and when I was exhausted from work, it was amazing not to have to think about cooking. And I had one particular sugar daddy who didn’t want to share his bed but would offer me his spare room if I didn’t feel like going home and being around my awkward roommates. All in all, a pretty good set-up.

The problem was, everybody else wanted to know all my business all the time. First of all, there were my two other roommates, whom I had never told about my sugaring, but they put two and two together when I was having designer bags and expensive bouquets delivered to the apartment. Once, when we were going back and forth about what kind of couch to get to replace our uncomfortable, run-down one, one of them said to me, “Well, why don’t you just have one of your sugar daddies get us a new one?” And she said it with such resentment and bitterness that I swore I would never talk to either one of them about my personal life again.

Then, there were my coworkers. That environment was equally toxic. Luckily, the people my age mostly left me alone, but I remember one night walking out with my boss’s supervisor (my grand supervisor?), and she saw me get picked up by my sugar daddy. And the next day, she stopped by my desk, something she had never done, and asked me how my date had gone the night before. I think she could tell that I was super weirded out by her asking because she said, “Oh. I mean, you don’t have to tell me anything! I just thought it was so interesting that you might be going on a date with someone a bit older than you. I was wondering how you two met. You know, as a single gal myself, and a little bit older than you, I was kind of jealous that you landed such a silver fox! I thought, ‘Of course I can’t get a date! All the older gentlemen are getting swooped up by the young, pretty ones!” No, I didn’t report her to HR. I just had my sugar daddy send a car from then on.

By far, though, the most difficult was my own family. I had never told my parents about sugaring; it would have given them a heart attack. And I didn’t tell my older brother, who was living with them at the time, because I felt like he might get crazy angry and tell them. So, every time I went to visit them, which I felt obligated to at least twice a month since I was so close, I kept my mouth shut. My parents asked me every single time if I was seeing anyone seriously or thinking about going on the dating apps or even freezing my eggs, so I didn’t miss my chance to have a family. It was so tiring.

Finally, I got so fed up one night that after my parents went to bed, I confided in my brother that I had been sugaring. Turns out, he was angry, but only because I hadn’t told him earlier.

He said, “Obviously, it’s weird for me. I don’t want to think about you with anyone, let alone some older guy, but I’m not going to tell Mom and Dad if you don’t want me to. But, on a couple of conditions.”

I rolled my eyes. I knew there would be a price for my honesty.

“First of all, you have to tell me when you’re going on your dates. I want times and locations and a check-in message when you get home. I’m not kidding. If I don’t hear from you, I’m coming looking for you.”

I instantly relaxed and wondered why I didn’t let my brother in on this part of my life sooner.

“The second thing is, I want you to talk to someone who’s not me about this. Like, a therapist or someone else who is also dating older guys. You shouldn’t be holding all of this in. You think we haven’t noticed that you’ve been down since you moved back here? You’re in a bad mood every time you come home, you avoid our calls, and you don’t answer texts. Trust me, keeping secrets takes a toll on your mental state. I know, I was a mess when I was still in the closet.”

I gave him a hug and promised that I would do what he asked. But I told him that I wasn’t ready to tell other people in our hometown about being a sugar baby. That I probably would never want to tell our parents. And he understood.

“At the very least,” he said, “Tell them as much of the truth as you can. Like, that you’re struggling with your new life and that you’re still finding your feet, which is true. I keep having to convince them that you’re not in some secret cult or something. They’re freaking out. They care about you. We all do.”

When I got back to my apartment in the city, I started looking for therapists, and I reached out to my college friends who I thought might still be sugaring. They told me that they had been going through the same thing and were also having a hard time hiding that part of their lives. Some had given up sugaring altogether, instead of feeling like they had to hide it. Others had lost some close people in their lives who refused to understand their life choices.

The best thing was to talk to a therapist about being a sugar baby. For sure, I had to be careful about finding the right therapist who was open to sugaring and wasn’t just going to tell me to stop. I actually found someone who validated the positives of my relationships with my sugar daddies and helped me to work on my mental health without having to give up that part of my life.

The combination of having a professional to talk to every week, plus my friends who were going through the same thing (even though they were far away), and my brother having my back, all made me feel like I wasn’t carrying the burden alone. Before long, I was starting to feel better about myself and my life, and that confidence made it easier to make friends in my new city. Eventually, I did retire from sugaring simply because I had too much going on in my social life to have time for a sugar relationship and because I was moving up in the company, so I didn’t need the extra financial support.

But when I think back on that time of my life, I can appreciate the good and the bad of the situation. Like, my sugar daddies supported me and gave me a welcome escape from other parts of my life that were dragging me down. And, it was also very tiring to feel like I had to maintain a false image for my coworkers and roommates, and family. It would have been nice if more people in my life were open-minded enough to see the good in my sugar relationships, but since they weren’t, it became all the more important for me to cultivate a strong sense of self and also seek out the right people to talk to. That last point is a skill that has helped me become a more independent and strong person, in general, sugaring or not!